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20170413

I am scared.

I am scared.
I am really scared..


.. w/ myself.



I think its become severe day by day; my symptoms.



What should I do? Its tiring, so tiring.



I am scared,



I am scared with my own expectation, with my useless frustration, with my dangerous thought,



I am scared.



I am scared I turned into a person I shouldnt be. I am so scared.



Its getting severe. My symptoms.
I can't even focus a minute in my class. I don't even attend any programme like always. I can count how many time I turn on the light in my room in a month. I was having relapse of episode in the class, I CRIED in the class, asking to go home desperately. I couldnt even do any daily basis properly. I couldnt get any better sleep in the night because of my nightmares, or my sad dream. And thats why I have to sleep in the morning, my night is so sleepless.



I thought I am getting better, but I know that I am in a state of denial.



I'm trying, I distance myself from people for a moment, I tried not to put expectation in people, I tried so hardly that I countless time uninstall my social media, including whatsapp. Sometimes it works for me, but most of the time its not. I become more frustrated w/ myself.



What should I do with myself?



This depression is killing me slowly. I turn into people I didnt want to be, I'm scared w/ myself.




I am scared I losing people that love. I am scared they would be tired w/ me, cause I'm already tired w/ myself.




It must be good if I can rest for a moment, treating my condition first, rather struggling here alone, far away from people that can support me. I am all alone here, I couldnt even share this w/ anybody here. Even w/ my family, I couldnt share with them also, but having them, the people I love by my side, nust really be so helpful to me, right now.



I'm scared,



of myself.



I am so scared, and I wrote this w/ so much tears, in my eyes.



Is there any hope for me to get better?



I am scared. With myself.



I am desperately asking for help, help me.. 💔




P/s:
I hope, people will understand, why I love to express my emotion more like this; by writing in the blog or twitter, rather that personally talk to them. Its sometimes hard to tell what we are feeling, and I tend to suppress what in my mind when I talk to some people, because I want to show them that I am getting better, I want to show them the good shape of mine. Sharing this like this, is just a therapy for myself so that I won't let them lingering in my mind for a long time. I want you to know, not sharing w/ you personally about this, didnt mean you're not important to me. In fact, because you're important to me, I'm sharing w/ you this way, because I didn't want to get frustrated with you (when its not even your fault) when you can't give me a right words when you want to comfort me; likes how people who experience things like me comforts me; but still, I want you to know, so I write things here. Its not because you're not comforting me, don't misunderstanding me, you did great, and I feel good when you're by my side, but people like me, need more motivation from more people; especially from people who are experiencing this. So, if I am not sharing w/ you personally, but sharing in here instead, just imagined that I want to share with you personally.



Because, whenever I write something, you are always in my mind, thinking that you'll listened to me 😊
And you know, not many people read my blog anymore, just some people who care enough would read this, so its not I'm sharing w/ everyone, I just share with people who want to know about my condition.



Its not your fault, don't blamed yourself, thats all I asked. You're there by my side all this time, is already so precious to me. Your supporting words everytime I break down means a lot to me. I hope you know that.

P/ss: Disclaimer is so long because I afraid that I'll makes people sad w/ me even more. I am sorry for being like this.
One day when I get recovered completely, I could read back all of this, all of my struggles, and realised, how strong had I been. InshaaAllah, a very one fine day :)

2 kata kamu:

Zinnirah said...

Keep writing if it makes you feel better, at least.
Human will never satisfy us but Allah Taala care about us more than anything in this world.

Zinnirah said...

It shall pass kakak. :')