I hope

I hope you know, how much I want us to be as before. I miss you, I didn't know how to tell you, how much I need you rn. I don't show my sadness to anyone as much as before, I'm trying to show how happy I am to everyone, and I am really happy. But, to be happy like this, its take a lot of energy, because I need to suppress my negative emotion as well as I could. I am happy, but I broke inside, because I need you. To be happy and at the same time didnt have a good term with you, its somehow meaningless. I want to tell you how much I miss my mom and dad right now. I want to tell you that I can't even focus to study right now. I hope you know, that I really need your support, your jokes, your sweet talk, your positive vibes. I really need you. Right now.

Quite truth ✨

Just found this in article, that was quite truth. Naa its 100% truth, so I would like to share it here ☺️

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Since I’ve been back from treatment, things have been hard — but in a different way than how I was last time I was home. While I have learned how to cope with things in a more positive way, I still have hard days. I still have those thoughts running through my head — they didn’t go away. I learned new skills on how to deal with them when they come up. However, I still have depression, and it’s still hard.

I still want to stay in bed all day and close the blinds and not leave my room or talk to anyone. Other days are better, and I’m still able to do things and leave the house. But when I come back, I collapse in my room and cry. I feel this huge pressure from people expecting so much from me. I don’t know who I can turn to. My friends and family seem to expect that magically everything is “fixed,” and that’s just not true. It’s hard for me to reach out when all that pressure is put on me.

So please, what I’m asking is that you ask me how my day went. Open the conversation so I am able to come and talk to you in the future, or when something hard comes up, or when I feel like I may be relapsing. I need help, and it’s hard to initiate with all the pressure around me. It’s not that I’m not grateful for your support, it’s just that I’m new to having an open line of communication with you. Those days when it’s hard for me to leave my room are when I need you most. It’s those days when I may just want someone to be next to me. We don’t have to talk or do anything; your presence is enough. It’s those times when it’s really important for my support system to be there for me. And for that, I thank you.

By Lana Peterson

Hard

"You did well, don't give up, you almost there"

Assalamualaikum.

This will be a simple post from me. 

Today is 4th of January, alhamdulillah I can control my emotion, just well. Not that good, but not that bad either. What I can say is, its actually hard for me to keep being positive. I've struggling so much, but, its hard.

Is there actually any chances for me to be healthy back? I just don't know. They told me that I almost there, but I always fall in the middle of the road. But, because of them, for them, I won't give up. I'll be a bright kid again soon! Lets make it happens. Support me, for who I am now, for who I want to be. Its hard, but I wont give up, no matter how many time I stumble in the journey to be a better one. 

Thankyou, for those who are stay. Only Allah can rewards you, with all the kindness around the world. You will never know how important you are to me. It maybe countless times they want to give up on me, but they didn't, so why should I?

Stay strong, the future is bright. You will be good, just like how Aina Izzati before ✨

Starts New: A Better Me

'Walk the talk'

Assalamualaikum anyone yang still baca this blog. 

Ada lagi ke masalahnya orang yang baca blog ni?

Asyik emo memanjang post-post before this :P

Well today, I promised this post won't be an emo one. 

Haha hey, believe in me, I told ya in the post before that I'll left them behind.

So, yeah. I think I've already move on from the past.

Tapi, molek lagi if I can asked for forgiveness to the person depan-depan. 

That way, I think my mind will be a lot in a peaceful state I guess.

Sebab, still, no matter how much I deny that everything is right, 

no matter how I convinced myself that I did nothing wrong,

I still think that everything is my fault. 

Well, I guess its really is my fault bila fikir balik thats why I keep feeling guilty.

Okay alih topik!

Btw, I want to start new! 2017, I really want to change.

I don't want to be a victim of depression again.

Well it is a very cruel illness you know.

You just can't control yourself no matter how hard you are trying.

So what should I do?

Don't expect anything from anybody.

Just don't.

Don't force people to do things that makes me happy.

Just don't.

Don't put so much hope in anybody.

Just don't.

Don't overprotective whats mine.

Just don't.

Because eventually,

if they want to do it, they will do it, so don't expect.

Because eventually,

if they are really care, they will makes you happy, so don't force.

Because eventually,

if they really want, they will show the efforts, so don't put the high hope.

Because eventually,

no matter how hard I protect them, if its mine, they will eventually be mine.

Allah has wrote them.

We just need to show our effort to get what we want.

In our life, in our future, in our afterlife.

So, Aina, you know all of this.

You know life is just this simple.

It is just your mind that always think differently.

If you can suppress that negative thought, everything will eventually be alright.

You'll be alright, they will be alright and everyone will be alright :)

Gambatte kudasai Ayiz-chan.

Dah takde Iman Azlan as your psychotherapist dkt sini, so you should do well in the future.

Sbb, dah takde org nak dgr dan cuba faham whats going wrong in your mind, except for those who have been through it.

Ps: Iman takes a year to recover from depression, with the help of medicine, 

its already 10 months for me, lagi dua bulan maybe I can fully recover!

Well, they told me that I keep getting better and can control myself well (atleast for the depression peoples', I am doing well) because I don't take any medicine, just a mind therapy :3

Wahh I really hope so <3 p="">

Doakan seorang Nur Aina Izzati dalam doa kalian!

Much love xoxo

Tulat dah EOR, doakan!

Stop the what if

"Tough time won't last, tough people do"

Assalamualaikum everyone ☺️

Its 31st of December 2016, the last day of 2016! How time flies kannn? I hope I can be a better me in 2017, and bringing the happiness together, and leave the past pain behind.

For this last day of 2016, I decided to write something that I would like to leave it behind, from entering 2017. The things and thought that always messed up my mind. So that I hope, by writing this all, my mind will be at peace, and entering 2017 with a clear mind, and peaceful feeling.

Remember when we were in form 5, we have been taught that don't play with the what if questions. Its like, you are questioning The Almighty, The Most Merciful One. I admitted that, these past 21 years, 2016 is the year that I asked the what if questions the most. Yeah, I were that kind of ungrateful girl, I know.

What if, I didnt have any depression, will I be a lot more happier right now, or can I do a wise decision for myself? I keep asking myself those questions.

I hate myself for always making peoples' feeling hurts by my selfish decision. I blame myself for giving people hard, and painful time. Thats who I am, the person who always put the blame on myself eventho sometimes I know I did a right things. Thats who I am, for being an apologetic person, that always asked for forgiveness from others, when there is nothing wrong that I do. Thats the natural for who I am. Basically right now, when I still have this kind of illness.

Ika always said to me this, you did nothing wrong. Don't blame yourself, you are doing the right things. But Ika, did I really do a right things, when I, the one, the main reason why they get sad and hurt, because of my selfish decision? Am I really doing a right things? Or did I not? This questions always play in my mind.

Sometimes, I keep asking this, what if I did a wiser decision than the decision I've made. What if, I didnt aggressively protecting whats mine? I thought that I would be happy doing that, but I am actually not, because when I hurts people feeling, the person who actually hurts the most is me. Because I, will get hurts back when I see those people cry, because of my decision. Because I am a girl, and hurting their heart, um what can I say, its like I can feel their feeling too. I think to know their feelings, felt them, is a punishment for me, for making their heart hurts. People didnt know how much burdened that I've carry, because of my condition is not well, all of this small things is a big matters to me. I keep thinking everything is my fault. I kept asking myself and regret for what I've done. Did I overprotective whats mine? I hope I can changed the decision I've made, and letting them to enjoy their moments together. Because, I feel guilty, I blame myself, whenever I know that my dearest person wanted so much to go out, but.. they can't because of me. But.. what if I let them be, could I control my jealousy? I just.. don't know. I love to see everyone happy, but.. I really don't know how. I am truly sorry. For becoming this selfish kind of person. I sometimes forgot, others people have feelings too. For this matter, for all the selfish decision I've made, I truly am truly sorry.

I were really glad, that I were in a right state of mind at that time, the moment when I makes the decision that I'll never regret of, which is not to leave you behind. I just wondering, if I am not in a right state of mind, and give a wrong answer at that time, will you asked me to stay, or would I regret with the choices I'd makes. The answer will always be the same, in my heart, in the future, that I'll never left you. But if someday, I give you a different answer, know that at that time, I am not in the right state of mind, so don't leave me behind, without asking me to stay. The truth is, that day really makes me feel scared. And I keep remembering it till now. And keep asking what if I give a wrong answer at that time? What will happens? 😔 Harapnya in the future, keadaan mcmtu tak berulang lagi.

These things, keep haunted me for several months. I kept dreaming of them all over again and thats why, its makes me thought, that everything is my fault, that I am the one that should be blamed for, from the beginning.

I let this thought in here. So that I hope it wouldnt haunted me again. I am sorry, since I get this kind of illness, I keep thinking in different ways, I keep doubting people...

... but everyone should know, that is not what I want to think, I always trust people I dear the most, and  that I trying hardly to suppress my thought from negativity, to think only the positive one, that sometimes I would crying, because I failed.

At that sometimes, when I failed to suppress my thought , please forgive me, for not be able to be more tougher, than I should be.

I am sorry and forgive me. Everyone did nothing wrong. Is all me who need to be blame for, because I, the only one who need to fight with myself, with my negative thought, with my illness. I realized it now, that I shouldnt asked people to do things that makes me happy. The selfish me doing those decision, just brings pain to the people who want me to be happy. Thankyou 2016 for all the happiness, for all the hardship you've giving me. I think, I've become a tougher person than before rn. 2017, I'll try harder to improve myself, to be a better me, to stop blaming myself, for the things I shouldnt.

Goodbye 2016.

Cheer up Ayiz, leave the painful things behind, and takes the positivity with you. May 2017 brings a lot of happiness and love to all of us around the world 😊

Lets stop the what if 😇

-Not yet 22 💐

Something to ponder and I wish I can say it.

Disclaimer: This should be post on 27/10. Yes it supposed to be a month ago, but you know, I always wrote something, I wrote many posts actually, but sometimes I kept it in the draft, until I've guts to post about it.

"We spend so much of our lives not saying the things we want to say. The things we should say"*


Assalamualaikum everyone!

 How are you all doing?

 Its been awhile since my last post in my blog aite?

Well, there were a lot of things happened during those time.

 The sweet and bitter ones. The most memorable and painful one. 

Its already come to the end of October 2016. How time really flies.

 Rasanya baru semalam ambil SPM dan tak perlu fikir macam-macam pasal how to survive in this life. 

Rasanya baru semalam pergi PALAM and enjoying my student life. 

Rasanya baru semalam tengah berbelah bahagi lagi nak sambung dekat Egypt atau tidak, 

but here I am now, already a 4th year medical student of Alexandria University. 

All grateful and gratitude, to Allah, the Most Merciful One.

Four years I've been here, there are a lot of things I've learnt. A lot of things makes me ponder.

On March of 2016, I've been diagnosed to have a depression. 

Not a serious one, but still, it affect my whole life after that.

How I am thinking, how I am feeling, how I am struggling.

Everything.

And its the most painful moments for me, I guess.

There were many times, no, there were countless time I was broke down, stumble at the middle of the journey, wanting to give up, crying all alone here, making some stupid decision, hurting all people around me.

But, then.

I was survived.

I still survive.

And I will survive in the future.

I need to and I will.

Tak minta jadi macam ni. Penat sangat tahu.

 When I was in that state. I tend to hurt people around me, and hurting them was actually hurting me too.

They are all the people I dear the most. The people who never gave up on me, no matter how hard it is to handle me.

I am, truly grateful to have those people who never gave up on me.

 I know, I know well they were tired.

 I know, I know well they continuously asking questions 'when this girl is going to be okay?'

I know, I know well they were trying to be as patience as they could.

I know very well all of this. I am sorry to put my dearest people in a hard situation.

I am trying hard to get better, so please, never give up on me.

I seriously missing the old me :(

The one who didn't feel anxious of anything.

The one that trusting people whole-heartedly, without being doubtful.

The one that people easily can talk their problem, makes some fun with me, didn't need to take care of my feeling.

Doakan, doakan saya utk jadi seperti dulu.

To care for something that I shouldn't, it's tiring.

To give attention for a small matter, it's tiring, too.

People have their own life, and I should't control them.

I was a loser to ask people to do things that comfort me.

For that, I am truly sorry.

It have been five months.

The longest five months of my entire life..

-------


*The things that I want to say to you,
the things that I should say to you,
some of that are

I am truly sorry for being like this immature and sick.
I am truly thankful for your patience all these time.

and I hope you know that..
I really likes you.
I really want you.
I really adore you.
I really miss you.
I really care about you.

and
I really love you.

How I wish you know that.

Kebergantungan

Assalamualaikum semua.

I want to share with you this one story.

I found it so interesting. Well at least for me.

I had a meeting just now. A very long one tho. 

After my class ended at noon, I went for a lunch and immediately attended the meeting. 

And yes at 10pm I just came back.

So happy to see my lovely bedroom again after a very long tiring day!

While waiting for people to come, there were a lots of caring people asked me if I'am doing fine or not. How the PSD progression? They told me to ask them for help if I need one.

I were so grateful to have these kind of people. That always support each other in doing good deeds for society.

There was one girl, came to me and we had a short talk.

"Na, okay tak? Are you keep your health healthy? How are you doing? How's the PSD progression? Kenapa muka nampak risau sangat?" She asked.

"Hm entahlah kak. Futur deh. Duit program tak cukup banyak nih. Tak tahu dah nak cari mana. Dah cut macam-II bajet but yet still tak cukup. And PSD 3 hari lagi kak" I replied. Feeling want to cry at that time, seriously.

"Hm berapa tu yang tak cukup?" Dia tanya balik.

"Adalah kak." Segan nak bagitahu masalah program sendiri sebenarnya.

"Na, apa tujuan na jadi Timbalan Pengarah PSD?" She asked. Calmly.

"To help people. Untuk lancarkan gerak kerja kak. Siapa lagi nak terima taqdiman jawatan kalau bukan kita yang faham ni kak?" I said. Trying hard to apply what I learnt, from Islam; 'Sebaik-baik manusia adalah manusia yang bermanfaat kepada orang lain'

"Jadi. Apa tujuan PSD nih diadakan agak-II awak?" Dia tanya balik. 

"Utk ajak org bersukan cara Islam, kak. Tutup aurat, ikhwah akhawat diasingkan tempat sukan. Nak kata Islam tu syumul kak" Jawab aku, tersekat-sekat. Tahu, akak sedang menguji tahap kefahaman aku.

"Jadi wak. Bila tujuannya utk Islam, awak takkan tak percaya Allah akan tolong awak? Takkan Allah nak biar pulak gerak kerja awak stagnant, padahal niat awak mmg terang-II utk Islam. Refleks balik tahap kebergantungan awak kat Allah. Jangan risau sangat. Everything eventually will be fine." She calmed me down.

Sentap.

Tiba-tiba insaf sendiri.

Dimana tahap kebergantungan aku dekat Dia.

I asked myself.

Then we focused to our meeting.

The meeting ended well, and someone gave me something.

"Nah, hope this will help you a lil. Be tough! PSD wil be great, don't worry. We all will pray hard for you and the AJKP!"

I went home, and looked up the things that I've received.

Guess what, there were a lot of money in there. And I counted.

LE 807!

'Ya Allah, how come people are so kind-hearted to give this much of money.'

That was exactly the amount we needed T.T (Plus lebih LE 7 lagi)

And when I read my whatsapp, there was one of my AJKP texted this things;

"Alhamdulillah, sumbangan peribadi yang saya peroleh harini is LE 700"

And I just like, wow thats make the total up LE 1500+

And thats when I realized, pertolongan Allah tu mmg datang dari arah yang tak disangka.

Nikmat apa lagilah yang kita dustakan y.y

Tanpa Dia mmg kami tak mampu. Allah jugalah yang memampukan dan menguatkan kita.

Kuatkan kebergantungan kita pada-Nya. The good things will always happens soon, esp if you do something for Islam :)

Doakan PSD 4hb ini berjalan dengan lancar.

Doakan Allah permudahkan segala urusan kami.

Doakan Allah beri aku kekuatan fizikal dan mental.

Doakan dan doakan.

Alhamdulillah a'la kulli ni'mah, a'la kulli hal. Allah hadirkan sahabat-II yang pemurah untuk menyumbang disaat kamii memerlukan.

Syukran awi kepada insan-insan yang menyumbang. Moga Allah kira pengorbanan kalian :)

Hidup ini, perlu ada kefahaman, perlu ada keikhlasan, perlu untuk beramal, perlu untuk berjihad, perlu untuk berkorban, perlu taat akan pimpinan, perlu tetapkan pendirian, perlu bertajarrud, perlu berukhwah dan perlu tsiqah terhadap pmpinan dan sahabat-sahabat kita.

Sebagaimana Imam Hasan gariskan dalam kitabnya Risalah Taalim <3 p="">