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20150428

Help Me.

" Sabr is the most beautiful thing "

Even esok ada presentation assignment , but I really can't sleep aite now . Not until I speak out the thought in my mind . 



You know , I really can't describe my feeling . Whether its happy or sad , I really don't know which one . But I'm trying to be happy . I'm trying to be . So don't worry .


I hate the fact that I'm such a weak person , cried over this small matter . Really , I don't want to but I can't help it ):  Aku tak suka buat orang risau pasal aku . Aku cuba buat tak kisah tak attend this big day , but that seems so hard for me ): Bila fikir balik memang doh , masalah kecil je pun , aku nak rasa sedih-II mmg tak patut , tapi aku pun manusia , sometimes you couldn't control yourself . 

Its hard to act as a tough girl infront of your family actually. Acting that you're okay, acting like it's okay if I couldn't attend the wedding day . No, I'm not okay at all. Waktu call, dengar every single preparation update by my mom , bukak whatsapps seing those texts about the preparation , its hard for me. Its hard to endure the pain by myself, and the hardest is that I've to acting that I am fine , so that my family wouldn't get worry about me . Its actually hurt me , my feeling , a lot . 




Bukan aku nak tolak takdir . Tak . Aku dah cuba untuk redha , terima dengan hati terbuka . Tapi kadang-II , mestilah rasa sedihkan . Tak ke ? Am I overacting right now about this small matter . If I am , I'm sorry ):



Mungkin aku rasa sedih sangat sebab convocation day both my siblings aku tak pergi , ada empat kali convocation day , aku pergi sekali je yang abang punya . Lagi sedih , abang aku kahwin pun aku tak tengok . This time , kakak aku kahwin pun aku tak boleh tengok . Aku tak balik time merisik , bertunang semua sebab aku nak pergi akad nikah . Bukan aku nak tolak takdir tapi salah ke nak rasa sedih ? Y.Y Aku ada seorang abang , seorang kakak je tapi big day diorg pun aku tak dapat nak pergi . 


Sorry , I've to speak this out , if I endure it , I'll worsen my migraine and gastric due to overstress .


I'm sorry for being this weak . I'm sorry , but give me the chance to cry it out . I'm tired of enduring this . Really . And this is one of the theraphy for myself ; blogging .


I want to go back home , but nvm its for all peoples' good .

Pray for me , my health , my study , and most importantly ; my Imaan . And may Allah ease my sister's big day .


Maybe , my Imaan is not that high , making me this weaker . 

Apa-II berbalik kepada Allah ,


sebab nyawa kita pinjaman Dia .


Dan yakinlah , setiap perancangan Allah itu lebih baik , lebih berhikmah dari perancangan manusia .


Ada perkara Allah izin , tapi Allah tak redha . Dan vice verse .


Mungkin , jika Allah izinkan aku balik pun , Allah tak redha dengan kepulangan aku ( Yelah kalau bebai dengan family macam mana nak dapat redha Allah ? ) Percaya , hikmah itu ada , cari dan gali .


Goodnight . May Allah bless .


12.30am // 28 April 2015



20150423

Endure

  
" Ujian itu tanda Dia sayang bukan ? Jadi bagainmana kita nak tahu kita dapat tempuhi ujian itu ?
Bila terima ujian , kau akan cakap Alhamdulillah .
Dan tika itu, mungkin kau sudah lulus :) "

These few days , kekerapan migrain dan gastrik aku makin kerap .
Orang kata sebab kerja aku makin banyak .
Tak . Bukan sebab kerja .
Aku pasti bukan sebab kerja-II persatuan aku .
Sebabnya , aku dah lepaskan banyak jawatan aku .
Dan kerja aku makin sikit . Srsly .
Ada orang kata mungkin aku stress study CVS .
Atau mungkin aku dah fed up bila dapat keputusan exam CNS hari itu ?
Tak . Sebab result CNS hari itu aku ada semangat baru .
Mana mungkin aku fed up CVS sebab result CNS .

I know . People will get sick of me .
Sebab selalu sangat sakit .
The fact is , I'm also get sick of myself .

" Ayiz pura-II sakit atau sakit betul ? "
" Tak datang kelas lagi Ayiz today ? "


Dude , kau ingat seronok ke pura-II sakit ?
Dude , kalau aku datang kelas , bila aku sakit dekat kelas , korang marah aku datang kelas .
Bila aku tak datang , aku dapat ayat aku pura-II sakit ?
And dude , kau ingat seronok ke tak datang kelas bila miss semua practical and lectures .
Please , this kind of thought will trigger my stress .
Please , stop this kind of thought .
I know , all of you tired because of me .
And you know what , I'm tired of myself too .

Buat apa aku nak berpura-II , kalau aku berpura you know senang je Allah nak bagi aku betul-II sakit.

" Kenapa doe kau tak makan ubat je ? "

You know what , toxic dalam badan aku sebab ubat-II dah banyak .
Ubat yang aku ambil dose dia tinggi , yknow , I've to think about that too bila aku nak makan ubat .
Kau ingat aku saje-II taknak makan ubat ?


And I think , I know why this happened .

It just maybe , it maybe because I endure this pain by myself .

And because of that , my physical and mental are not in such a good condition .



Balik kepada Tuhan , Ayiz .

Kita hidup berTuhan .

Don't endure it by yourself . 
I know , you can't make your parents worried , and your siblings too .

But yeah , He's always there for you .

Sebab kau hidup berTuhan , perkara ini hanya ujian .

Alhamdulillah .

Thankyou for those who always be there , be patient with me when I've my migraine and gastric .
And I'm sorry , for making all of you worried .

And sick of me .

I'm sorry , truely sorry ..