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20170413

I am scared.

I am scared.
I am really scared..


.. w/ myself.



I think its become severe day by day; my symptoms.



What should I do? Its tiring, so tiring.



I am scared,



I am scared with my own expectation, with my useless frustration, with my dangerous thought,



I am scared.



I am scared I turned into a person I shouldnt be. I am so scared.



Its getting severe. My symptoms.
I can't even focus a minute in my class. I don't even attend any programme like always. I can count how many time I turn on the light in my room in a month. I was having relapse of episode in the class, I CRIED in the class, asking to go home desperately. I couldnt even do any daily basis properly. I couldnt get any better sleep in the night because of my nightmares, or my sad dream. And thats why I have to sleep in the morning, my night is so sleepless.



I thought I am getting better, but I know that I am in a state of denial.



I'm trying, I distance myself from people for a moment, I tried not to put expectation in people, I tried so hardly that I countless time uninstall my social media, including whatsapp. Sometimes it works for me, but most of the time its not. I become more frustrated w/ myself.



What should I do with myself?



This depression is killing me slowly. I turn into people I didnt want to be, I'm scared w/ myself.




I am scared I losing people that love. I am scared they would be tired w/ me, cause I'm already tired w/ myself.




It must be good if I can rest for a moment, treating my condition first, rather struggling here alone, far away from people that can support me. I am all alone here, I couldnt even share this w/ anybody here. Even w/ my family, I couldnt share with them also, but having them, the people I love by my side, nust really be so helpful to me, right now.



I'm scared,



of myself.



I am so scared, and I wrote this w/ so much tears, in my eyes.



Is there any hope for me to get better?



I am scared. With myself.



I am desperately asking for help, help me.. 💔




P/s:
I hope, people will understand, why I love to express my emotion more like this; by writing in the blog or twitter, rather that personally talk to them. Its sometimes hard to tell what we are feeling, and I tend to suppress what in my mind when I talk to some people, because I want to show them that I am getting better, I want to show them the good shape of mine. Sharing this like this, is just a therapy for myself so that I won't let them lingering in my mind for a long time. I want you to know, not sharing w/ you personally about this, didnt mean you're not important to me. In fact, because you're important to me, I'm sharing w/ you this way, because I didn't want to get frustrated with you (when its not even your fault) when you can't give me a right words when you want to comfort me; likes how people who experience things like me comforts me; but still, I want you to know, so I write things here. Its not because you're not comforting me, don't misunderstanding me, you did great, and I feel good when you're by my side, but people like me, need more motivation from more people; especially from people who are experiencing this. So, if I am not sharing w/ you personally, but sharing in here instead, just imagined that I want to share with you personally.



Because, whenever I write something, you are always in my mind, thinking that you'll listened to me 😊
And you know, not many people read my blog anymore, just some people who care enough would read this, so its not I'm sharing w/ everyone, I just share with people who want to know about my condition.



Its not your fault, don't blamed yourself, thats all I asked. You're there by my side all this time, is already so precious to me. Your supporting words everytime I break down means a lot to me. I hope you know that.

P/ss: Disclaimer is so long because I afraid that I'll makes people sad w/ me even more. I am sorry for being like this.
One day when I get recovered completely, I could read back all of this, all of my struggles, and realised, how strong had I been. InshaaAllah, a very one fine day :)

20170312

Cuba

"Don't give up, you're strong" I drop my tears again today. Tapi kejap je. And like everyday, I don't even know why I am being like this. Tak tahu kenapa rasa macam ni. I wondering why. Tak bersebab. Cuba utk kuat. Tapi tak mampu. Tak tahu kenapa. Tapi akan cuba lagi. Tanpa lelah. Cuba lagi. Sampai ke puncak. Doakan. Saya penat sangat mencuba. Tapi tak boleh berputus asa. Doakan. Supaya terus menerus kuat.  Hari ini, mungkin saya menangis sbb kecewa dgn diri lagi. Sbb tak mampu nak kawal kesihatan mental dan fizikal. Selalu macam tu. Kalau emosi okay, kesihatan diri tak okay. Macam today, kesihatan diri tip top, tapi emosi tak stabil. Kenapa susah sangat? I wonder why.  Minta maaf sebab terjatuh lagi. Tapi macam selalu, saya akan bangkit semula.  Terima kasih, pada mereka yang setia di sisi.

20170304

I wonder

"I'm a messed right now, inside out" Assalamualaikum everyone ☺️ Well this time I nak cerita that my emotionally is getting very stable! Dah almost two weeks I suppressed my thought and negative feeling, but I wonder did I overwork so much to do it? Migraine and gastric yg dah lama tak dtg tetiba dtg balik. I always getting a nightmares now. I barely have a proper sleep. My sleep cycle is changes daily. I wonder why. Did my immune system tryin' to find another way for me to adapt it? Nahh I don't really understand myself. Rasa tak kuat, sbb kerap tak sihat skrg, tapi mood happy mmg okay, and everyone are also tryin' hard to make me happy. I shouldn't let them down, right? Lets keep a good momentum, to be heathy, mentally and physically. You can do it Aina 😊

20170225

Oyeah!

"Setiap perkara dan kejadian ada hikmatnya, tapi hikmat itu adalah suatu hikmat ghaib yang amat mendalam dan mungkin tidak ternampak kepada pandangan manusia yang singkat‬" - Sayyid Qutb dalam mukadimah kitabnya Tafsir fi zilal ☺️ Assalamualaikum semua 💖 How are you gais doing? I hope you gais are doing well and having a lot of fun in your daily life.  Hihi tak tahu, tiba-tiba teringin nak update blog when I am in a good mood like today. So yeah, I'll write anything yang terlintas di fikiran sekarang, so it will be a random post with some random things. You gais tahu tak, that I am getting a lot better rn. I mean my emotion, me myself is doing really great this week! Today, it will be almost 1 week I have this ease feeling, that I didnt even care what will happened (I keep counting my days being happy sbb selalunya I akan tersungkur before sampai 1 week pun, and this time I berjaya sampai more than 1 week; I hope so and lets hope it will remain constant until I get tired of counting the days that I'm happy 😍) I don't overthink things,  I succeed to supress my negative thoughts really well this week! Eventho byk jugak tweet2 yg I baca most of them sedih2, emo2 and sendu2, still I managed to ignore all those negative tweets and live a happy life. Hehe I really did well didnt I? You gais sedar tak? Hehe I hope some of you will realized it, because its not easy for me. Sampai demam2 la nak kena supress my thought actually 😂 Sbb apa demam? You gais tahu kan demam is one of our defense mechanism in our body, and just like that, socs med also have been one of my defense mechanism of my pain so that I don't need to supress my thought, but when supress my negative thought, I overwork my mind and myself, so yeahh demam la jadinya, naa I guess so jgn percaya sgt, sbb tetiba je demam in the middle of I'm getting better from all of this, so I rasa sbb tu lah 😂 Bila rasa my mood didnt seem okay je, terus I uninstall my twitter and all thise socs accounts so that I didnt post any of my negative thoughts in the socs med. Dlm seminggu ni, actually boleh kata hari2 I uninstall twitter and install it back when I am okay, thats why I succeed to post happy things je. It takes a lot of things to do, but oyeah, its really worth it. Seronok tau tgk twitter kita takde sad tweet actually ☺️ Sebenarnya kan, bukan tak nak cerita pasal masalah kita dkt org. Sometimes we just didnt find the suitable words to describe our thought. Sometimes, to write them was the only way. I dont know, I still figuring out how to share this kind of thought with people around me. Hihi lets give me some time to figure this out okay? ☺️ Buat slow slow, I scared that if I buat everything in this mean time, I'll get fatigue and suffocated again, so yeahh kita buat apa yg termampu dulu 😊 Well some of you must wondering what I am doing rn to find myself back. Well, I reread all the old conversations of me with those people who close to me. I reread my post in this blog and I reread all the happy tweet I post before. Byk benda I buat actually nak cari balik diri sendiri 😂 And yeah, during my time when I've negative thoughts but I need to supress it, I'll immediately uninstall my twitter and terus sibukkan diri. kadang2 saya study topics yg saya skipped (sbb tak larat sgt pergi kelas waktu demam haritu), kdg2 involved in programme (but for this time being, I prefer to be left alone in the house, and get some rest from hectic life for awhile, nanti I dah betul2 okay, I start menyumbang balik okay 😇), most of the time layan kdrama (now tgh tgk signal! Mindblowing betul cerita tu. And oh yeah park bo young ade cerita baru 😍 You gais should watch PBY in oh my ghost, GOD DIA ADORABLE SGTTT OKAY!), and for those yg baca my previous post, I ada niat nak baca certain2 kitab kan ☺️ Now I'm work on it, baru mulakan maza yakni, hadis and tafsir fi zilal. Gilir2 baca ikut mood. Hihi doakanlah boleh khatamkan and diberi kefahaman dan ilmu yang bermanfaat ya 😁 And lastly yeah sometimes I'm just scrolling the twitter, stalking some people and yeah end my day with sleep w/o any worries or cries anymore. Well nightmares still selalu je dpt, but yeah I'll ignore everything that makes my life miserable before 😊 Eventho I dah bukak my socs med, I still in an uzlah phase rn. I still didnt wanna meet people now, and didnt want to involve in anything for awhile. I just want to be at home, doing stuff that makes me feel at ease. I still in recovery phase and I know my emotion is still in fragile state. To say that I am completely recovered, it just too soon enough, but lets hope this kind of emotion will lasts till forever okay! 😍 For those who always there for me, thank you. You know, I'll always pray that may Allah rewards all of you w/ jannatul firdausi because you didnt let this girl, into such destruction of herself 💖 Alhamdulillah, oyeah! Thanks Allah for this wonderful feeling. Dah lama tak rasa happy macam ni 😇 Till then gais! Cheer up. Things will be a lot more better if you gais feels that everything have hikmah on it 😉😘

20170222

Azam 

"Imam Hassan al-Banna menggariskan 10 rukun baiah, 3 daripadanya adalah faham, amal dan ikhlas. Kita perlu faham dulu sesuatu ilmu, barulah kita boleh beramal dgn ikhlas"  Actually dah lama aku berazam benda ni, tulis dkt sini so that setiap kali aku bukak aku ingat dan aku try utk capaikan, sbb aku seorg yg sgt pelupa 😂   So azam aku ialah, habiskan beberapa kitab before kahwin (or kalau tak habis lps kahwin pun boleh habiskan- the point is saya nak tambah ilmu agama saya 🙏). I maybe have a year and more or maybe less so harap2 before melangkah ke alam rumah tangga itu, ilmu agama di dada mestilah kena tingkatkan. Tak byk pun, atleast kena ada. Barulah alam itu ada sakinah mawaddah wa rahmah gitu 🙈 So bila dah search apa aku perlu baca, I need to finish buku2 yg asas ni dulu, hopefully sempat habiskan sbb aku jenis lmbt membaca, tapi kalau lmbt pun still boleh dgr ceramah dkt youtube hihi.  So this will be the books that I want to finish: 1. Tafsir fi zilal (Dah settle beberapa surah, tapi bykkkkkk lagi surah tak settle 😭) 2. Syarah hadis 40 3. Maza yakni bahagian 1 dan 2 4. Risalah taalim 5. Raheeq makhtum 6. Syamail muhammadiyah 7. Kitab fiqh; ibadah, wanita, perubatan (kena search lagi kitab apa yg basic) Ok cukup lah tuuu, takut tak tercapai pulak, tak tahu mampu ke takkk, tapi doakan saya. Harapnya bolehlah baca yg mana yg mampu tuu. Anyone yg jumpa kitab2 ni dkt memana let me know yaa, or boleh tlg belikan nanti saya bayar, or kalau nak hadiahkan pun ok jugak 😂😜 Saya baca melalui ibook je but asalkan ada pun dah okiesss 💖 Okayyy till then! 

20170216

Help.

Mak, I am too tired ma. I am too disappointed with myself mak, why I can't be better mak? Why it is so hard mak? I am so happy, I love to be happy, but why those negative emotion come back mak? Mak adik penat sangat mak. People keep putting high expectation to me, and its makes me very sad when I keep disappointing them. Mak, what else should I do? I don't deserve happiness ke mak? When I be like this, I think that I am a burdened to everyone, that I dont deserve them because I am a bad girl. Mak, tolong adik mak. Adik buntu. I want to be happy mak, why it is so hard for me? Mak, I stuck in my own mind, I hope there is light for me to be good again. Mak.. adik penat sangat that sometimes I wish I can removed all this emotion by doing crazy things. Tapi mak, sbb adik ada iman lagi, and I know all of that just bisikan syaitan, I keep being strong to fight those desire. Mak, did I get better or did I get worsen mak? Mak adik penat sangat what else should I do mak. Mak, tolong adik mak.. I am too disappointed with myself right now mak. Does I makes you disappointed too mak? I am sorry, for you to have a little girl like me. I will be strong, at least for you kan mak? You've done so many things for me. Mak I know you didnt even will read this, at this time pun, you never know that I still in depression kan mak. Because I try to handle it very well whenever I am with you, with family. Mak for that, can you at least be proud of me mak? I am trying hard, and I'll not give up to fight with myself mak. I promised you that.

20170205

I hope

I hope you know, how much I want us to be as before. I miss you, I didn't know how to tell you, how much I need you rn. I don't show my sadness to anyone as much as before, I'm trying to show how happy I am to everyone, and I am really happy. But, to be happy like this, its take a lot of energy, because I need to suppress my negative emotion as well as I could. I am happy, but I broke inside, because I need you. To be happy and at the same time didnt have a good term with you, its somehow meaningless. I want to tell you how much I miss my mom and dad right now. I want to tell you that I can't even focus to study right now. I hope you know, that I really need your support, your jokes, your sweet talk, your positive vibes. I really need you. Right now.

20170130

Draw a Line, and Appreciation



Assalamualaikum everyone. How are you gais doing? I hope everyone are doing well, and fine.


For this entry, I would love to do an appreciation post to these kind of bestfriend of mine, who were there when I lost myself, who sometime I rely on them the most, who were always asked about how am I doing here, who never forget to make sure that I am in a good state, them, who actually I had draw a line between us. Some of them realized about it, and some of them just thought that I am too busy to even reply their text sometimes.


Becoming a 22 years old girl, I knew, I can't depend on other people so much, especially when these people are men. I knew that if I get married one day, I shouldn't rely on them anymore, and for that reason, I try really hard to draw a line between me and them, so that, when I get married one day,  we didn't get into fight because of this things. And actually, it is for my own sake, so that I slowly readily to be a good wife in the future, who will not depending on other man, other than my future husband and family. So that, it won't be so hard for me, to left them behind, because you know, at that time, syurga seorang isteri tu berada di bawah tapak kaki suami.


So, guys, thats the main reason why I draw a line between us. Its not that I want to break our friendship, we are still going to be a good friend, but somehow, I should slowly try to distant myself from man. Its for my own good, in the future. Its not because I hope people will do the same for me, no, its just, the way I teach myself to not rely in boy-friends anymore. I distant myself from man here, I didnt have any selfies with guy, I didnt reply to some of the comments or mention, or didnt answer when they want to call me, its not because I scared someone will get jealous of me when I do that, no, I do this for the future. 


It actually hurts a bit when people said that they gave me permission to take selfies with man, post them in the social media, because that kind of things might be hard for them to do it, so they tell me to do so, when actually I do it because I want a better future, without relying to others man rather than only one you, in my life. 


And actually, they all are scared to be friend with me again, long before I draw a line between them lagi. Semua dah terlambat if people give me permission to be a bestfriend of them pun, they all have already tawar hati to be friend with me, ada yg kena kecam, ada yg taknak jumpa langsung dah. Its happened a long time ago, when at that time, I don't have any jealousy towards woman pun, but at that time, I endured all the hardship, because I know, in the end, everything will worth it. I don't blame anyone in this, I think, it somehow for my own sake. I believe, and I understand how hard the things is, because, I already experienced it. So hanging there, I believe in your choice, and I'll trust you. Because I know, you know the best.


Thats why, sometimes  I losing my mind, getting tempered to all those silly things, because I think everything is unfair. But no, everything was fair enough, because I am a girl, a woman, who need to protect my pride and dignity, to my future husband. 


So to these 4 beautiful souls, Api, Faris, Fahmi, Din2 thank you for everything that all of you had done for me. Glad that I have 4 of you, who I can asked about man's stuff, what things that they like, what should I do when they get mad, they all are very good for me to seek an advice to know about man better. And for that thank you. These 4 guys, are the people who know the most how madly I'm in love with that one person that I dear the most


Peoples' in Egypt also afraid to be friend with me, esp my batch 😂 Everyone said that I were too garang, and diorg berani tegur waktu meeting je 😂 So it kind of hard because dkt sini kena depend on musyrif nak pergi mana2 so, tak baik dgn lelaki susahlah nak dot musyrif, but its okay, good people everywhere, I just need to find them, to volunteer as a musyrif kenkadang tu 😬


Thats all, I think dah habis, I hope everyone clear that I didnt do this because I scared someone will get jealous, (but maybe yes for the first time I do everything of this, but now not anymore) no, it just, I should start early in everything because some things takes time, esp when dealing with hooman.


Even if I got the permission, I don't think I've to do it, sbb kalau buat, rasa mcm nak balas dendam, padahal thats not the main reason I want to post about it. 


Srsly, sebenarnya tak kisah sangat kalau ada gmbr bersama-sama. Tapi elakkan gmbr berdua, elakkan gmbr dekat2, elakkan gmbr selfie berdua. Its nicer if there is someone in those picture, its nicer if there is a gap btwn those picture, its not that I dont give people to take their own selfie, but dear, we should have limit with other people shouldnt we? Because I create some limit with these people, thats how, people can differentiate how much do you mean to me, rather than others. 


Well it just my random thought, I know no one even read my blog pun. I don't put the blame on anyone, I just want people to understand why I didnt allow them to do that, why I create some gap with others man. Tapi kalau rasa tak logik my thought, it's okay. Everyone have their own rules didnt they? Dah tak salahkan sesiapa sekarang, sebab fikir everything that happened have their own reasons. So I just have to accept everything, and just spread my love more. 


Kadang kita tegur sebab sayang, kadang kita tegur sebab emosi. Aku pernah dapat ayat yg buat aku berubah tak baik dgn lelaki sgt, -"Nak buat mcm mana awak, dah awak mmg mcm tu. Kena terima jelah, but when the times come, mmg I tak bagi"


Sampai sekarang ingat lagi that words, and so thats the first reason why I create a gap btwn me and man. But after that, its all alone because of me, I really want to be a better woman after kena tegur gitu, for you.



Aku senang terima teguran dan cepat nak berubah to be better, apa guna org tegur kalau kita tak cuba berubah, tapi satu je aku susah, bila emosi aku kelaut sbb depression aku, susah sgt aku nak kawal diri. Thats why, I always asked forgiveness from others, sampai kadang2 aku tak tahu apa salah aku, tapi I will always felt that, everything thats happened is my fault. And for this random thought, and a lil bit confession, I hope people always forgive me. 


I want to understand peoples' better, I really hope I can do it. I didnt want to make any silly mistakes again, thats why I rest from some of social media for a bit. (Or I don't know until when) I think, I gave people to much burdened in their life, and I hope in the future, I can make they feel ease, even just with my presence in their life. 


I want to change to a better me.


20170109

Quite truth ✨

Just found this in article, that was quite truth. Naa its 100% truth, so I would like to share it here ☺️


--

Since I’ve been back from treatment, things have been hard — but in a different way than how I was last time I was home. While I have learned how to cope with things in a more positive way, I still have hard days. I still have those thoughts running through my head — they didn’t go away. I learned new skills on how to deal with them when they come up. However, I still have depression, and it’s still hard.

I still want to stay in bed all day and close the blinds and not leave my room or talk to anyone. Other days are better, and I’m still able to do things and leave the house. But when I come back, I collapse in my room and cry. I feel this huge pressure from people expecting so much from me. I don’t know who I can turn to. My friends and family seem to expect that magically everything is “fixed,” and that’s just not true. It’s hard for me to reach out when all that pressure is put on me.

So please, what I’m asking is that you ask me how my day went. Open the conversation so I am able to come and talk to you in the future, or when something hard comes up, or when I feel like I may be relapsing. I need help, and it’s hard to initiate with all the pressure around me. It’s not that I’m not grateful for your support, it’s just that I’m new to having an open line of communication with you. Those days when it’s hard for me to leave my room are when I need you most. It’s those days when I may just want someone to be next to me. We don’t have to talk or do anything; your presence is enough. It’s those times when it’s really important for my support system to be there for me. And for that, I thank you.


By Lana Peterson

20170107

Just why

Just, why I keep showing people this side of me? Just why I couldnt get any better from this things no matter how hard I've been tryin' to? Just why I keep showing you this bad side of me? Just why I keep making you worry about me? Just why did, everything of this happens to me? Just why I keep overthinking things? I am so frustrated with myself that I feel ashamed to asked help from anybody. Because I couldnt be any better. I don't want to show you this part of me, I want to show you a bright me, just why I couldnt make it? Just why it have to be so hard like this?



Just why, it have to be me?  I am so tired, with myself. I am helpless, and hopeless. Whats more should I do to get better? 💔

20170105

Hard

"You did well, don't give up, you almost there"

Assalamualaikum.

This will be a simple post from me. 
Today is 4th of January, alhamdulillah I can control my emotion, just well. Not that good, but not that bad either. What I can say is, its actually hard for me to keep being positive. I've struggling so much, but, its hard.

Is there actually any chances for me to be healthy back? I just don't know. They told me that I almost there, but I always fall in the middle of the road. But, because of them, for them, I won't give up. I'll be a bright kid again soon! Lets make it happens. Support me, for who I am now, for who I want to be. Its hard, but I wont give up, no matter how many time I stumble in the journey to be a better one. 

Thankyou, for those who are stay. Only Allah can rewards you, with all the kindness around the world. You will never know how important you are to me. It maybe countless times they want to give up on me, but they didn't, so why should I?

Stay strong, the future is bright. You will be good, just like how Aina Izzati before ✨

20170102

Starts New: A Better Me



'Walk the talk'

Assalamualaikum anyone yang still baca this blog. 
Ada lagi ke masalahnya orang yang baca blog ni?
Asyik emo memanjang post-post before this :P

Well today, I promised this post won't be an emo one. 
Haha hey, believe in me, I told ya in the post before that I'll left them behind.
So, yeah. I think I've already move on from the past.
Tapi, molek lagi if I can asked for forgiveness to the person depan-depan. 
That way, I think my mind will be a lot in a peaceful state I guess.
Sebab, still, no matter how much I deny that everything is right, 
no matter how I convinced myself that I did nothing wrong,
I still think that everything is my fault. 
Well, I guess its really is my fault bila fikir balik thats why I keep feeling guilty.

Okay alih topik!

Btw, I want to start new! 2017, I really want to change.
I don't want to be a victim of depression again.
Well it is a very cruel illness you know.
You just can't control yourself no matter how hard you are trying.

So what should I do?

Don't expect anything from anybody.
Just don't.
Don't force people to do things that makes me happy.
Just don't.
Don't put so much hope in anybody.
Just don't.
Don't overprotective whats mine.
Just don't.

Because eventually,
if they want to do it, they will do it, so don't expect.
Because eventually,
if they are really care, they will makes you happy, so don't force.
Because eventually,
if they really want, they will show the efforts, so don't put the high hope.
Because eventually,
no matter how hard I protect them, if its mine, they will eventually be mine.

Allah has wrote them.

We just need to show our effort to get what we want.
In our life, in our future, in our afterlife.

So, Aina, you know all of this.
You know life is just this simple.
It is just your mind that always think differently.

If you can suppress that negative thought, everything will eventually be alright.
You'll be alright, they will be alright and everyone will be alright :)

Gambatte kudasai Ayiz-chan.
Dah takde Iman Azlan as your psychotherapist dkt sini, so you should do well in the future.
Sbb, dah takde org nak dgr dan cuba faham whats going wrong in your mind, except for those who have been through it.

Ps: Iman takes a year to recover from depression, with the help of medicine, 
its already 10 months for me, lagi dua bulan maybe I can fully recover!
Well, they told me that I keep getting better and can control myself well (atleast for the depression peoples', I am doing well) because I don't take any medicine, just a mind therapy :3

Wahh I really hope so <3 p="">
Doakan seorang Nur Aina Izzati dalam doa kalian!

Much love xoxo

Tulat dah EOR, doakan!








20170101

Stop the what if

"Tough time won't last, tough people do"

Assalamualaikum everyone ☺️

Its 31st of December 2016, the last day of 2016! How time flies kannn? I hope I can be a better me in 2017, and bringing the happiness together, and leave the past pain behind.

For this last day of 2016, I decided to write something that I would like to leave it behind, from entering 2017. The things and thought that always messed up my mind. So that I hope, by writing this all, my mind will be at peace, and entering 2017 with a clear mind, and peaceful feeling.

Remember when we were in form 5, we have been taught that don't play with the what if questions. Its like, you are questioning The Almighty, The Most Merciful One. I admitted that, these past 21 years, 2016 is the year that I asked the what if questions the most. Yeah, I were that kind of ungrateful girl, I know.

What if, I didnt have any depression, will I be a lot more happier right now, or can I do a wise decision for myself? I keep asking myself those questions.

I hate myself for always making peoples' feeling hurts by my selfish decision. I blame myself for giving people hard, and painful time. Thats who I am, the person who always put the blame on myself eventho sometimes I know I did a right things. Thats who I am, for being an apologetic person, that always asked for forgiveness from others, when there is nothing wrong that I do. Thats the natural for who I am. Basically right now, when I still have this kind of illness.

Ika always said to me this, you did nothing wrong. Don't blame yourself, you are doing the right things. But Ika, did I really do a right things, when I, the one, the main reason why they get sad and hurt, because of my selfish decision? Am I really doing a right things? Or did I not? This questions always play in my mind.

Sometimes, I keep asking this, what if I did a wiser decision than the decision I've made. What if, I didnt aggressively protecting whats mine? I thought that I would be happy doing that, but I am actually not, because when I hurts people feeling, the person who actually hurts the most is me. Because I, will get hurts back when I see those people cry, because of my decision. Because I am a girl, and hurting their heart, um what can I say, its like I can feel their feeling too. I think to know their feelings, felt them, is a punishment for me, for making their heart hurts. People didnt know how much burdened that I've carry, because of my condition is not well, all of this small things is a big matters to me. I keep thinking everything is my fault. I kept asking myself and regret for what I've done. Did I overprotective whats mine? I hope I can changed the decision I've made, and letting them to enjoy their moments together. Because, I feel guilty, I blame myself, whenever I know that my dearest person wanted so much to go out, but.. they can't because of me. But.. what if I let them be, could I control my jealousy? I just.. don't know. I love to see everyone happy, but.. I really don't know how. I am truly sorry. For becoming this selfish kind of person. I sometimes forgot, others people have feelings too. For this matter, for all the selfish decision I've made, I truly am truly sorry.

I were really glad, that I were in a right state of mind at that time, the moment when I makes the decision that I'll never regret of, which is not to leave you behind. I just wondering, if I am not in a right state of mind, and give a wrong answer at that time, will you asked me to stay, or would I regret with the choices I'd makes. The answer will always be the same, in my heart, in the future, that I'll never left you. But if someday, I give you a different answer, know that at that time, I am not in the right state of mind, so don't leave me behind, without asking me to stay. The truth is, that day really makes me feel scared. And I keep remembering it till now. And keep asking what if I give a wrong answer at that time? What will happens? 😔 Harapnya in the future, keadaan mcmtu tak berulang lagi.

These things, keep haunted me for several months. I kept dreaming of them all over again and thats why, its makes me thought, that everything is my fault, that I am the one that should be blamed for, from the beginning.

I let this thought in here. So that I hope it wouldnt haunted me again. I am sorry, since I get this kind of illness, I keep thinking in different ways, I keep doubting people...

... but everyone should know, that is not what I want to think, I always trust people I dear the most, and  that I trying hardly to suppress my thought from negativity, to think only the positive one, that sometimes I would crying, because I failed.

At that sometimes, when I failed to suppress my thought , please forgive me, for not be able to be more tougher, than I should be.


I am sorry and forgive me. Everyone did nothing wrong. Is all me who need to be blame for, because I, the only one who need to fight with myself, with my negative thought, with my illness. I realized it now, that I shouldnt asked people to do things that makes me happy. The selfish me doing those decision, just brings pain to the people who want me to be happy. Thankyou 2016 for all the happiness, for all the hardship you've giving me. I think, I've become a tougher person than before rn. 2017, I'll try harder to improve myself, to be a better me, to stop blaming myself, for the things I shouldnt.

Goodbye 2016.

Cheer up Ayiz, leave the painful things behind, and takes the positivity with you. May 2017 brings a lot of happiness and love to all of us around the world 😊

Lets stop the what if 😇

-Not yet 22 💐