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20170413

I am scared.

I am scared.
I am really scared..


.. w/ myself.



I think its become severe day by day; my symptoms.



What should I do? Its tiring, so tiring.



I am scared,



I am scared with my own expectation, with my useless frustration, with my dangerous thought,



I am scared.



I am scared I turned into a person I shouldnt be. I am so scared.



Its getting severe. My symptoms.
I can't even focus a minute in my class. I don't even attend any programme like always. I can count how many time I turn on the light in my room in a month. I was having relapse of episode in the class, I CRIED in the class, asking to go home desperately. I couldnt even do any daily basis properly. I couldnt get any better sleep in the night because of my nightmares, or my sad dream. And thats why I have to sleep in the morning, my night is so sleepless.



I thought I am getting better, but I know that I am in a state of denial.



I'm trying, I distance myself from people for a moment, I tried not to put expectation in people, I tried so hardly that I countless time uninstall my social media, including whatsapp. Sometimes it works for me, but most of the time its not. I become more frustrated w/ myself.



What should I do with myself?



This depression is killing me slowly. I turn into people I didnt want to be, I'm scared w/ myself.




I am scared I losing people that love. I am scared they would be tired w/ me, cause I'm already tired w/ myself.




It must be good if I can rest for a moment, treating my condition first, rather struggling here alone, far away from people that can support me. I am all alone here, I couldnt even share this w/ anybody here. Even w/ my family, I couldnt share with them also, but having them, the people I love by my side, nust really be so helpful to me, right now.



I'm scared,



of myself.



I am so scared, and I wrote this w/ so much tears, in my eyes.



Is there any hope for me to get better?



I am scared. With myself.



I am desperately asking for help, help me.. 💔




P/s:
I hope, people will understand, why I love to express my emotion more like this; by writing in the blog or twitter, rather that personally talk to them. Its sometimes hard to tell what we are feeling, and I tend to suppress what in my mind when I talk to some people, because I want to show them that I am getting better, I want to show them the good shape of mine. Sharing this like this, is just a therapy for myself so that I won't let them lingering in my mind for a long time. I want you to know, not sharing w/ you personally about this, didnt mean you're not important to me. In fact, because you're important to me, I'm sharing w/ you this way, because I didn't want to get frustrated with you (when its not even your fault) when you can't give me a right words when you want to comfort me; likes how people who experience things like me comforts me; but still, I want you to know, so I write things here. Its not because you're not comforting me, don't misunderstanding me, you did great, and I feel good when you're by my side, but people like me, need more motivation from more people; especially from people who are experiencing this. So, if I am not sharing w/ you personally, but sharing in here instead, just imagined that I want to share with you personally.



Because, whenever I write something, you are always in my mind, thinking that you'll listened to me 😊
And you know, not many people read my blog anymore, just some people who care enough would read this, so its not I'm sharing w/ everyone, I just share with people who want to know about my condition.



Its not your fault, don't blamed yourself, thats all I asked. You're there by my side all this time, is already so precious to me. Your supporting words everytime I break down means a lot to me. I hope you know that.

P/ss: Disclaimer is so long because I afraid that I'll makes people sad w/ me even more. I am sorry for being like this.
One day when I get recovered completely, I could read back all of this, all of my struggles, and realised, how strong had I been. InshaaAllah, a very one fine day :)

20170312

Cuba

"Don't give up, you're strong" I drop my tears again today. Tapi kejap je. And like everyday, I don't even know why I am being like this. Tak tahu kenapa rasa macam ni. I wondering why. Tak bersebab. Cuba utk kuat. Tapi tak mampu. Tak tahu kenapa. Tapi akan cuba lagi. Tanpa lelah. Cuba lagi. Sampai ke puncak. Doakan. Saya penat sangat mencuba. Tapi tak boleh berputus asa. Doakan. Supaya terus menerus kuat.  Hari ini, mungkin saya menangis sbb kecewa dgn diri lagi. Sbb tak mampu nak kawal kesihatan mental dan fizikal. Selalu macam tu. Kalau emosi okay, kesihatan diri tak okay. Macam today, kesihatan diri tip top, tapi emosi tak stabil. Kenapa susah sangat? I wonder why.  Minta maaf sebab terjatuh lagi. Tapi macam selalu, saya akan bangkit semula.  Terima kasih, pada mereka yang setia di sisi.

20170304

I wonder

"I'm a messed right now, inside out" Assalamualaikum everyone ☺️ Well this time I nak cerita that my emotionally is getting very stable! Dah almost two weeks I suppressed my thought and negative feeling, but I wonder did I overwork so much to do it? Migraine and gastric yg dah lama tak dtg tetiba dtg balik. I always getting a nightmares now. I barely have a proper sleep. My sleep cycle is changes daily. I wonder why. Did my immune system tryin' to find another way for me to adapt it? Nahh I don't really understand myself. Rasa tak kuat, sbb kerap tak sihat skrg, tapi mood happy mmg okay, and everyone are also tryin' hard to make me happy. I shouldn't let them down, right? Lets keep a good momentum, to be heathy, mentally and physically. You can do it Aina 😊

20170225

Oyeah!

"Setiap perkara dan kejadian ada hikmatnya, tapi hikmat itu adalah suatu hikmat ghaib yang amat mendalam dan mungkin tidak ternampak kepada pandangan manusia yang singkat‬" - Sayyid Qutb dalam mukadimah kitabnya Tafsir fi zilal ☺️ Assalamualaikum semua 💖 How are you gais doing? I hope you gais are doing well and having a lot of fun in your daily life.  Hihi tak tahu, tiba-tiba teringin nak update blog when I am in a good mood like today. So yeah, I'll write anything yang terlintas di fikiran sekarang, so it will be a random post with some random things. You gais tahu tak, that I am getting a lot better rn. I mean my emotion, me myself is doing really great this week! Today, it will be almost 1 week I have this ease feeling, that I didnt even care what will happened (I keep counting my days being happy sbb selalunya I akan tersungkur before sampai 1 week pun, and this time I berjaya sampai more than 1 week; I hope so and lets hope it will remain constant until I get tired of counting the days that I'm happy 😍) I don't overthink things,  I succeed to supress my negative thoughts really well this week! Eventho byk jugak tweet2 yg I baca most of them sedih2, emo2 and sendu2, still I managed to ignore all those negative tweets and live a happy life. Hehe I really did well didnt I? You gais sedar tak? Hehe I hope some of you will realized it, because its not easy for me. Sampai demam2 la nak kena supress my thought actually 😂 Sbb apa demam? You gais tahu kan demam is one of our defense mechanism in our body, and just like that, socs med also have been one of my defense mechanism of my pain so that I don't need to supress my thought, but when supress my negative thought, I overwork my mind and myself, so yeahh demam la jadinya, naa I guess so jgn percaya sgt, sbb tetiba je demam in the middle of I'm getting better from all of this, so I rasa sbb tu lah 😂 Bila rasa my mood didnt seem okay je, terus I uninstall my twitter and all thise socs accounts so that I didnt post any of my negative thoughts in the socs med. Dlm seminggu ni, actually boleh kata hari2 I uninstall twitter and install it back when I am okay, thats why I succeed to post happy things je. It takes a lot of things to do, but oyeah, its really worth it. Seronok tau tgk twitter kita takde sad tweet actually ☺️ Sebenarnya kan, bukan tak nak cerita pasal masalah kita dkt org. Sometimes we just didnt find the suitable words to describe our thought. Sometimes, to write them was the only way. I dont know, I still figuring out how to share this kind of thought with people around me. Hihi lets give me some time to figure this out okay? ☺️ Buat slow slow, I scared that if I buat everything in this mean time, I'll get fatigue and suffocated again, so yeahh kita buat apa yg termampu dulu 😊 Well some of you must wondering what I am doing rn to find myself back. Well, I reread all the old conversations of me with those people who close to me. I reread my post in this blog and I reread all the happy tweet I post before. Byk benda I buat actually nak cari balik diri sendiri 😂 And yeah, during my time when I've negative thoughts but I need to supress it, I'll immediately uninstall my twitter and terus sibukkan diri. kadang2 saya study topics yg saya skipped (sbb tak larat sgt pergi kelas waktu demam haritu), kdg2 involved in programme (but for this time being, I prefer to be left alone in the house, and get some rest from hectic life for awhile, nanti I dah betul2 okay, I start menyumbang balik okay 😇), most of the time layan kdrama (now tgh tgk signal! Mindblowing betul cerita tu. And oh yeah park bo young ade cerita baru 😍 You gais should watch PBY in oh my ghost, GOD DIA ADORABLE SGTTT OKAY!), and for those yg baca my previous post, I ada niat nak baca certain2 kitab kan ☺️ Now I'm work on it, baru mulakan maza yakni, hadis and tafsir fi zilal. Gilir2 baca ikut mood. Hihi doakanlah boleh khatamkan and diberi kefahaman dan ilmu yang bermanfaat ya 😁 And lastly yeah sometimes I'm just scrolling the twitter, stalking some people and yeah end my day with sleep w/o any worries or cries anymore. Well nightmares still selalu je dpt, but yeah I'll ignore everything that makes my life miserable before 😊 Eventho I dah bukak my socs med, I still in an uzlah phase rn. I still didnt wanna meet people now, and didnt want to involve in anything for awhile. I just want to be at home, doing stuff that makes me feel at ease. I still in recovery phase and I know my emotion is still in fragile state. To say that I am completely recovered, it just too soon enough, but lets hope this kind of emotion will lasts till forever okay! 😍 For those who always there for me, thank you. You know, I'll always pray that may Allah rewards all of you w/ jannatul firdausi because you didnt let this girl, into such destruction of herself 💖 Alhamdulillah, oyeah! Thanks Allah for this wonderful feeling. Dah lama tak rasa happy macam ni 😇 Till then gais! Cheer up. Things will be a lot more better if you gais feels that everything have hikmah on it 😉😘

20170222

Azam 

"Imam Hassan al-Banna menggariskan 10 rukun baiah, 3 daripadanya adalah faham, amal dan ikhlas. Kita perlu faham dulu sesuatu ilmu, barulah kita boleh beramal dgn ikhlas"  Actually dah lama aku berazam benda ni, tulis dkt sini so that setiap kali aku bukak aku ingat dan aku try utk capaikan, sbb aku seorg yg sgt pelupa 😂   So azam aku ialah, habiskan beberapa kitab before kahwin (or kalau tak habis lps kahwin pun boleh habiskan- the point is saya nak tambah ilmu agama saya 🙏). I maybe have a year and more or maybe less so harap2 before melangkah ke alam rumah tangga itu, ilmu agama di dada mestilah kena tingkatkan. Tak byk pun, atleast kena ada. Barulah alam itu ada sakinah mawaddah wa rahmah gitu 🙈 So bila dah search apa aku perlu baca, I need to finish buku2 yg asas ni dulu, hopefully sempat habiskan sbb aku jenis lmbt membaca, tapi kalau lmbt pun still boleh dgr ceramah dkt youtube hihi.  So this will be the books that I want to finish: 1. Tafsir fi zilal (Dah settle beberapa surah, tapi bykkkkkk lagi surah tak settle 😭) 2. Syarah hadis 40 3. Maza yakni bahagian 1 dan 2 4. Risalah taalim 5. Raheeq makhtum 6. Syamail muhammadiyah 7. Kitab fiqh; ibadah, wanita, perubatan (kena search lagi kitab apa yg basic) Ok cukup lah tuuu, takut tak tercapai pulak, tak tahu mampu ke takkk, tapi doakan saya. Harapnya bolehlah baca yg mana yg mampu tuu. Anyone yg jumpa kitab2 ni dkt memana let me know yaa, or boleh tlg belikan nanti saya bayar, or kalau nak hadiahkan pun ok jugak 😂😜 Saya baca melalui ibook je but asalkan ada pun dah okiesss 💖 Okayyy till then! 

20170216

Help.

Mak, I am too tired ma. I am too disappointed with myself mak, why I can't be better mak? Why it is so hard mak? I am so happy, I love to be happy, but why those negative emotion come back mak? Mak adik penat sangat mak. People keep putting high expectation to me, and its makes me very sad when I keep disappointing them. Mak, what else should I do? I don't deserve happiness ke mak? When I be like this, I think that I am a burdened to everyone, that I dont deserve them because I am a bad girl. Mak, tolong adik mak. Adik buntu. I want to be happy mak, why it is so hard for me? Mak, I stuck in my own mind, I hope there is light for me to be good again. Mak.. adik penat sangat that sometimes I wish I can removed all this emotion by doing crazy things. Tapi mak, sbb adik ada iman lagi, and I know all of that just bisikan syaitan, I keep being strong to fight those desire. Mak, did I get better or did I get worsen mak? Mak adik penat sangat what else should I do mak. Mak, tolong adik mak.. I am too disappointed with myself right now mak. Does I makes you disappointed too mak? I am sorry, for you to have a little girl like me. I will be strong, at least for you kan mak? You've done so many things for me. Mak I know you didnt even will read this, at this time pun, you never know that I still in depression kan mak. Because I try to handle it very well whenever I am with you, with family. Mak for that, can you at least be proud of me mak? I am trying hard, and I'll not give up to fight with myself mak. I promised you that.

20170205

I hope

I hope you know, how much I want us to be as before. I miss you, I didn't know how to tell you, how much I need you rn. I don't show my sadness to anyone as much as before, I'm trying to show how happy I am to everyone, and I am really happy. But, to be happy like this, its take a lot of energy, because I need to suppress my negative emotion as well as I could. I am happy, but I broke inside, because I need you. To be happy and at the same time didnt have a good term with you, its somehow meaningless. I want to tell you how much I miss my mom and dad right now. I want to tell you that I can't even focus to study right now. I hope you know, that I really need your support, your jokes, your sweet talk, your positive vibes. I really need you. Right now.