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20171117

Hope


"He knows, He knows. Allah knows all this miserable feeling.
He knows, He knows. Allah knows this devastated pain.
He knows. Have faith on Him; cause He knows all of that" - (Aina,6/2/2017)

There will always be a hope, in everyone daily life.

To be alive, and to be survive, until today

is already a prove that, He give me so much hope.

Things will get better.

I will get better.

Yakin dengan janji Dia.

He will never burdened people more than what we capable of.

Allah tahu kau kuat Aina.

Sebab itu Dia uji.

Allah tahu kau sakit Aina.

But there will always be a hope, for you to be better.

Believe in that.

This too, shall pass to.

Yesterday was a rough day for me. I beat up myself again, and cried so badly.
It marked as my 10 times, for me to be cry that bad.
I was so frustrated w/ myself, for not being able to recover yet.
That's why, I've saying sorry for so many times, to people.
To everyone. For not being able to recover yet.
As I thought, I am such a burdened to them.
But I know, they will always be there for me. It just me, who couldn't stop to think that way.

I was consulting my friend afterwards, who was already recover from it completely.

"I am getting worse. And I don't even know why."
"Sebab you tak stop fikir, that's why. Itu perkara pertama, stop fikir"
"But now.. I pun tak tahu I fikir apa masalahnya. It just, I didn't have any feeling to do things anymore. Jumpa orang pun, I feel so anxious. I ended up skipping those things, meeting and etc"
"Anhedonia. Itu common. This is common. I know, been there. Your depression is not you. Ada inner power dalam yourself. Yang dissociates you from depression. Kalau you demam, you tak kata "saya orang demam", sebab demam is symptom. And its not you, Sama macam depression, depression is not you. Its a disorder. Dissociate yourself." 
"I keep saying sorry to everyone even that I know it was not my fault. But I can't stop blaming myself for everything."
"Like I said, bila you accept yourself., you akan stop blaming yourself.
Dan you akan stop say sorry. Just live. Jangan rush recovery. I tak rush recovery. It just.. disappear."

Stop saying sorry Aina, it was not your fault. You didn't asked for this.
 So stop being an apologetic person.
No one wants your sorry Aina. No one asking you to ask for forgiveness.
 They only want you to be happy Aina. And thats, already enough for them all. 
Accept yourself, Aina. And be well. 

Just live, and at the end of the road, you'll arrive at the beautiful destination.
Even if not in dunya, He will grant it later, in akhirah.

Just live, and be happy. Accept all of it, and fight hard.

One day, everything will be just fine. 
One day, this to shall be pass.
So hang on, and be strong.
Its okay to stumble in the middle of the journey.
Its okay to cry once for awhile.
But its never okay to give up in this battle.

So hang on, and be strong.
Cause He knows,
you're trying.
Don't lose hope, Aina Izzati.
Have faith on him. Bersangka baik dengan DIa.
He will grant you something better in the future.
So believe in Him.

Spread the love and happiness to everyone.
May that one day, come in the future :)








20171103

Beating myself.


" Tawakal; let your heart trust Allah alone, to take care of the things you cannot understand"

Assalamualaikum everyone and hai.

Triggered warning to anyone who have mental illness.
This post, is maybe not suitable for you to read it.



Mak. I didn't have anyone to vent to.
I couldn't even call you, telling you that I am sick again.
Because I didn't want to worry you and dad.
I didn't even can shed my tears in front of you.
Even if I want to..

Mak..
I wish I can go home,
and hug you and dad.
I really need someone here for me right now.

Mak.. I am so sad with myself.
Why am I like this mak..
Why did,
He gave me this kind of struggle, mak?
I really not a strong one.
They said He will tests us as the things that we can handle..
but mak..
I always lose to my thoughts.
I always making stupid decision and mistakes,
because of it.
I really not,
a strong one.
So why He chose me mak?

Mak, I miss the old me. 
The old happy me. 
The one who didn't care about anything.
The one who will always enjoying her life.
Mak.. I miss myself.. badly
Asyraf must be really miss her too.

Mak..
It is so painful, this illness.
I didn't expect it will be this worst.
I didn't expect, it will be this pain.
But mak..
perit
sangat.

Mak, I didn't know what I should do w/ myself.
Part of me wanted to give up so badly,
but part of me, always ask me to fight w/it.
Tapi mak..
adik tak kuat..
sangat..

Mak..
I really hate myself mak.
Why did,
I becoming so weak.
I couldn't even think straight...
Mak.. will everything will be okay, mak?

Mak..
I want to be the old happy me.
Asyraf will really like it if I can do so..
but mak, is it possible to me?

Am I going to be okay, mak?

Mak..
I want to kill my mind so badly.
It makes me so dumb..
and pathetic.

Mak.. I really miss the old me right now.

I really miss the old happy Aina.

Mak..
can I just cry today?
And be strong back tomorrow.

I just..
so frustrated..
with myself..

Because I know..
the old Aina wouldn't make the wrong decision and stupid mistake.
Because I know,
she will always do the right thing.

Because I know, who am I

And me now,

is not a real me.

Go away depression,

I kindly, beg you.


Mak... can you come into my dream and hug me?
Abah... can you come into my dream and tell me some jokes?
Kakak... can you come into my dream and show me how Aqil dance?
Abang... can you come into my dream and show me Firaz and Zymam smile?
Asyraf... can you come into my dream, and tell me that everything is going to be okay?

Can everyone come into my dream tonight and calm me down?

Because the thought that I shouldn't be here, in this world, because I will only makes problem, is so strong, right now.

Dear God, please..
please..
relief my painful.

I beg You...


Mak..

I think, I couldn't survive this.

(But you know, how many times I told you that I couldn't survive,
but then I survived
because that's the only part of Aina that always still be in me,
the one who never give up,
no matter how hard, the thing is)









20171101

Langit tak selalunya cerah


"Apabila Allah mengkehendaki kebaikan atas seseorang, Allah akan;-
1. Sibukkan dia dengan keburukan diri sendiri (yakni bermuhasabah diri, banyakkan tengok keburukan diri dari keburukan orang lain)
2. Sibukkan dia dengan kudrat yang dia ada untuk perjuangan Islam
3. Sibukkan dia untuk fahamkan agama"

Assalamualaikum everyone :)

Its been awhile since my last post here. I guess dah tak ramai pun bukak my blog since I dah lama tak update it. My apologies, aigo I miss the old time when we didn't active in social medias so much, 
just sharing things here happily, waiting for people to text us, buy topup not for the sake of data, but to text w/ our love one. Waiting the other side to online their Yahoo! Messenger, just to talk about everything that we want. Didn't have many platform to stalk about them, so there are no many things that we need to argue. Time have changed, so much, that its hurt me. A lot. I wish I could turn back time to our old happy days, and stop at there. Thats old time, was gold. And will always be gold for me.

I have so many things to do right now, a lot of ObGyn topics to revise, and I have SC w/ my little sisters tomorrow and I need to prepare for the sharing. But let me write something on my mind right now before I forget about it, for the lessons, to everyone and especially me. 

Langit tak selalunya cerah.

Why does the title of my post, is kinda, serious?

Kau pernah tak rasa diri kau baik?

I mean, a really, really good one.
Yang bila kau tengok orang lain, kau rasa, kau better dari diorg.
Yang bila kau tgk org buat salah, kau tak terlintas pun mcm mana diorg boleh buat benda-benda tu.
Yang kau rasa, kau takkan buat benda-benda macamtu.
Dan yang real punya rasa, bila orang berpurdah/tudung labuh/pegangan agama kuat,
 buat benda tak elok, kau macam, tak boleh brain gila dia buat benda tu padahal, beriman kot!?

Kau pernah tak?

Well, let me told you here.

Aku pernah.

Dan aku pasti, tersangat pasti, walau sekelumit pun rasa mcmtu, kau mesti akan ada rasa, kau lebih baik dari orang lain.

*hihi saja nak provok*

Lets be calm kejap.
I'm sharing this, because I learnt from my mistakes, because I want to save people from doing a big mistake like mine.

Mistake aku yang besar, satu je:

Rasa diri baik.

Dan kemudian menyumbang kepada mistakes2 yg lain

Ayat yang aku kongsikan di atas sekali, adalah ayat yang aku dapat bilamana, aku ada satu argument w/ this one important person of mine, and those argument is about my bad past.

After those argument, aku rasa lost gila. 
For your information, aku baru lepas relapse, 2 weeks of a really bad relapse, and today is my first day to recover, so, I don't want this argument to make me relapse.
 So I calmed myself, I told myself, Allah je tahu isi hati aku sekarang. Allah je faham betapa teruknya aku rasa diri aku sekarang. 

 Dan tiba-tiba,Yasmin text aku, asking me to help her to capture her notes, from her notebook. 

And ayat-ayat diatas, is the note that she asked me to capture.

And aku terus menangis.

Aku rasa, macam Allah balas kata hati aku on the spot. 
Macam Allah pujuk aku immediately so that I don't relapse back.
Macam Allah nak kata, those arguments, adalah untuk muhasabah diri aku sendiri,
untuk jadi lebih baik.

I really, cried.  

Aku share this story, because it is too miracle for me. 

Berbalik kepada my one big mistake tadi,

iaitu, rasa diri baik.

Iyelah, dalam family, aku nilah yang paling islamik orang kata. Dalam berkawan, akulah yang pakai handsock, pakai stokin pergi mana-mana, yang pakai tudung bawah paras dada, yang tak pernah sekali pun mencarut dalam hidup aku, yang rasa, aku takkan buat pun benda-benda pelik yang lain (walaupun banyak lagi dosa dan aib lain yang Allah lindung)

Rasa diri baik sangat.

Rasa mcm, haih apasal dia tak pakai stokin, aurat kot, Haih apasal dia mencarut, tak elok kot, haih apasal dia pakai selendang lilit mcmtu, terdedah kot, haih apasal dia macamtu, apasal dia macamni. 
*berkata dalam hati*
Ada yang aku tegur, ada tapi sikit sangat. Aku banyak bagi hadiah as a tudung, as a handsock lagi daripada tegur direct, sebab apa, sebab rasa diri tak cukup baik nak menegur 
(bab ni pandai pulak rasa diri tak baik hm)

Dan disebabkan tak banyak menegur, tak dapat nak ubah sesiapa, sebaliknya, rasa diri makin baik.

Dan itulah kesilapan aku. Rasa Allah takkan uji dengan benda-benda macamtu.
Rasa macam kalau kena uji pun, mesti aku tak buat.
Eksyen.
Perasan iman kuat.

Dan nak dijadikan cerita, Allah uji 
dan
aku kalah.

I won't tell you what it is.

Lets it be the secret between me, the people who knows about it and Allah je.

So yeah, after the things happened, I thought it will be end like that. 
Sbb aku tak nak ulangi balik kesilapan aku.

Tapi..

aku lupa Allah nampak apa aku buat. 
Dan mungkin, ada aib orang yang aku tak terjaga, 
Allah bukak aib aku. 
Allah uji aku lagi sekali.

And things got worse.

And now, I am the one yang messed up everything.

And the response after that, you know.

It will be a hard thing to be forgive.

So, apa perasaan bila jadi punca masalah?

The truth is, sekarang aku rasa macam aigo kalau aku bukan sebaik Aina yang dulu, yg jenis hipstur hipstur, mesti aku tak dihukum mcmni. I mean yelah, kalau aku tak berapa baik, buat benda tak baik, takdelah org concern dan terasa sgt. Sebab dia mmg mcmtu pun. Tapi, the thing is, tak. Sbb sebelum ini aku tak pernah buat benda mcmtu, sbb sebelum ni aku mmg menjaga,
 dan tiba-tiba tersasar,
 the consequence is, massive.

Waktu nilah tetiba rasa..
teruk sangat ke salah aku..
aku tak boleh buat mistake ke..
aku pun manusia..
aku kena maksum ke..
teruk sangat ke aku ni..

Those thoughts, were lingering on my mind. 

Rasa mcm teruk gila kena hukum, rasa mcm diri kotor gila, rasa mcm diri hina gila. 

Bukan sbb I didn't get his forgiveness yet.

Just rasa teruk sbb..

teruk.

And thats when I thought about, all those rasa diri baik dari semua orang.

Langit tak selalunya cerah.
 Iman tak selalunya tinggi.
 Terkadang tersasar kalah. 
Tapi semuanya dah terjadi.

Rasa macam, padan muka diri sendiri siapa suruh rasa diri baik dari semua orang, 
He gave me a lesson in a tough way bruh.

Jadi pesanan aku, berdasarkan ayat miracle yang aku dapat dari Yasmin, fasal pertama; sibukkan diri dengan keburukan sendiri, Yang juga bermaksud, muhasabah diri selalu, banyakkan tengok keburukan diri dari keburukan orang lain. Sentiasalah rasa orang lain lagi baik dari kita.

It is, such an important lesson. At least, for me.

I couldn't turn back time.
I couldn't make the wrong things right.
Everything already happened, but I learnt my lesson.

Dulu dia tanya aku, kenapa aku buat macam tu.
Aku cakap sebab penat nak jadi baik.
This reason is still valid. 
Because the only reason aku buat macam tu,
memang sbb penat sangat nak jadi baik masa tu.
Jadi aku lost, 
dan tersasar.

Yasmin pernah text aku something, waktu tu aku dekat Malaysia. 20 Ogos 2017. She sense something wrong at me. I still save those text, because it involve my darker past, walaupun waktu aku text dia ni, I'm already feel good and happy, sbb dah takde problem dgn tunang hihi :) tapi aku share jugak ape aku rasa bila aku buat those mistakes. 
  And I share our conversation here, to let people know, its not about my feeling, its really, sbb penat nak jadi baik.. 

"Ayiz, kalau aku nak tegur something, hang boleh terima tak?"
"Boleh je."
"Ke hang dapat agak dah?"
"Dapat agak dah, tapi takpe, tegur je, kenkadang, aku hanyut gak, sebab takde yg menegur."
"Kita jaga Allah, Allah jaga kita. Itupun term jaga Allah, kita jaga diri kita dari fitnah"
"Actually, hm, aku hanyut ni pun bersebab jugak"
"Nape?"
"Ni aku just bgtahu je la. Takde siapa tegur aku pun before this. Aku tak tahu, at one point, aku dah penat sangat nak jadi baik, mungkin ade niat yg salah. Or mungkin aku dah tak nak mikir langsung pasal apa org buat sakit hati aku. So I changed, bukan aku tak tahu benda salah. Tapi takde org nak tarik aku dah, last-last aku penat jd baik, Aku tgh struggle dgn diri aku, tgh struggle dgn sakit aku, takdela aku nak buat sgt pun benda yg aku tahu salah. Just, at one point, I've reach my limit. Mungkin sbb aku sakit sama, kenkdg tu, tipulah kalau kata, aku tak mengharapkan blsn atas benda baik yg aku buat, nak capai ikhlas tu mmg susah. Tp last2 bila takde org nmpk pun effort aku nak jd baik, asyik nmpk salah aku je, last2, aku mcm, better buat salah je. Tu je. Aku just, penat nak jadi baik, at this point. tapi, tgh kawal diri lagi. Tahun ni balik mmg aku hanyut habis, sbb mcm taknak mikir pape. Penat sakit, penat everything. Aku tahu hg tak faham benda ni berkaitan ape pun. Haha takde pasal pci pun. Ni berkaitan personal things aku, yg sampai satu tahap, aku dah tak boleh cope nak jadi baik. So I loose myself for awhile before. But, I'll find my track back. Just, tlg doakan aku. Thank you tegur, I appreciate that, so much, at least aku tahu, Allah mmg nak tarik aku balik. Thank you sangat, jumpa next month min. Aku tahu, hg lg penat, nak sembang dgn hg pasal aku, rasa cam tak layak pulak. Tapi tulah, lain org lain ujian. Hg Dia uji dgn jawatan, aku Dia uji dgn benda lain. Just, tlg doakan aku kuat je. Sbb, aku mmg dah hanyut. And I know that, just aku tak kuat nak kawal diri aku, sbb penat nak jd baik tu, mengatasi everything waktu tu. K tu je la nak share. Haha, sorry"
"Aku dkt luar, phone nak mati. Nak cakap pape, cakap jela."
"Will try my best to find myself back, I find the happy me, but I lost the good in me...Aku tgh tahan diri je skrg, taknak kuar dari persatuan, bukan sbb taknak involve, tapi sbb taknak bagi fitnah dkt persatuan. Sbb aku tahu, I'm not that good anymore...Aku tak penat pasal persatuan and all those gerak kerja pci, tapi soul aku semua drain to the bottom sejak aku sakit, and it already reach its limit. Sampai aku taknak buat kerja skrg ni, sbb aku takut akan kacau gerak kerja semua benda."
"Aku tak faham apa maksud hg dkt sini. Sebenarnya ramai je kat sini yg try nak nasihat/tegur tapi diorg tak tahu nak cakap camni. Ada je org risau. Ramai. Kalau takde org nak tegur/nasihat pun, hg ramai kan kawan2. Kalau nak dgr nasihat yg lembut, minta dkt mirza. Kalau nak nasihat yg tegas, obviously la aku. Aku mmg tak tapis pun. Kalau pasal penat nak jadi baik, atau nak tahan sakit hati org tak hargai ke apa, sebenarnya at the end of the day, diri sendiri yg rugi. So jgn give up to be good. Ujian aku is my temper, kiranya perlu ke aku give up utk tahan marah aku kalau penat? Takkan, paling kurang pun duduk senyap je. Hg pun kena cari cara utk overcome benda ni la, Kalau tak tahu, minta nasihat dari org yg thiqah. Ramaikan kawan2 yg baik. Gunakan diorg. Okay je tu. Jatuh dlm lubang boleh, tapi jgn jatuh byk kali. Doa byk2"
"Thank you min, I'll improving myself."

Tapi.. its too late. Yasmin reach aku, when everything already happened. Aku belajar dalami ilmu agama sama-sama dgn Yamin. Dgn Mirza. Kena ragging pun dgn diorg. Susah payah sama-sama. Dan dua org ni je yg akan tarik aku bila tersasar. Kita ramai kawan, tapi yg bersahabat dgn aku utk tarik aku balik, 2 org ni je. Sbb kitorg berukhwah mainly sbb agama, then sbb persatuan. 

I know, the reason is so wrong. Hard to be brained, but unfortunately, thats how I losing my mind. 
And for that, I am truly are sorry. 


Tapi bila fikir balik kenapa semuani terjadi.
Mungkin sbb Allah nak bagi pengajaran dekat aku.
Utk jgn rasa diri baik dari org lain.
Aku tak pernah go through this kind of ujian.
This is my first, and I learnt it now,
no matter how tired you are to be kind, to be kind is the only choice that you have.
Make sure that you have friends yang akan tarik kau bila kau hanyut.
Thats part, is so important.

Aku pernah tersasar, and I need to face the consequences. Aku tak nak org lain tersasar mcm aku. So please, take a good care of your iman, your mind, and your nafs.

I rest my case now.
 I want to have a new fresh start.
 Trying to forget all those memories, but didn't forget to take their lessons.

Thank you for reading this long post.

Doakan yang baik-baik utk saya dan dia.
Moga nusrah Allah, sentiasa bersama kita semua :)

Moga Allah ampuni dosa aku, dan terima taubat aku.
Moga Allah sentiasa pelihara aib dan hati kita.
Moga Allah berikan kekuatan buat kita berdua.






20170304

I wonder

"I'm a messed right now, inside out" Assalamualaikum everyone ☺️ Well this time I nak cerita that my emotionally is getting very stable! Dah almost two weeks I suppressed my thought and negative feeling, but I wonder did I overwork so much to do it? Migraine and gastric yg dah lama tak dtg tetiba dtg balik. I always getting a nightmares now. I barely have a proper sleep. My sleep cycle is changes daily. I wonder why. Did my immune system tryin' to find another way for me to adapt it? Nahh I don't really understand myself. Rasa tak kuat, sbb kerap tak sihat skrg, tapi mood happy mmg okay, and everyone are also tryin' hard to make me happy. I shouldn't let them down, right? Lets keep a good momentum, to be heathy, mentally and physically. You can do it Aina 😊

20170225

Oyeah!

"Setiap perkara dan kejadian ada hikmatnya, tapi hikmat itu adalah suatu hikmat ghaib yang amat mendalam dan mungkin tidak ternampak kepada pandangan manusia yang singkat‬" - Sayyid Qutb dalam mukadimah kitabnya Tafsir fi zilal ☺️ Assalamualaikum semua 💖 How are you gais doing? I hope you gais are doing well and having a lot of fun in your daily life.  Hihi tak tahu, tiba-tiba teringin nak update blog when I am in a good mood like today. So yeah, I'll write anything yang terlintas di fikiran sekarang, so it will be a random post with some random things. You gais tahu tak, that I am getting a lot better rn. I mean my emotion, me myself is doing really great this week! Today, it will be almost 1 week I have this ease feeling, that I didnt even care what will happened (I keep counting my days being happy sbb selalunya I akan tersungkur before sampai 1 week pun, and this time I berjaya sampai more than 1 week; I hope so and lets hope it will remain constant until I get tired of counting the days that I'm happy 😍) I don't overthink things,  I succeed to supress my negative thoughts really well this week! Eventho byk jugak tweet2 yg I baca most of them sedih2, emo2 and sendu2, still I managed to ignore all those negative tweets and live a happy life. Hehe I really did well didnt I? You gais sedar tak? Hehe I hope some of you will realized it, because its not easy for me. Sampai demam2 la nak kena supress my thought actually 😂 Sbb apa demam? You gais tahu kan demam is one of our defense mechanism in our body, and just like that, socs med also have been one of my defense mechanism of my pain so that I don't need to supress my thought, but when supress my negative thought, I overwork my mind and myself, so yeahh demam la jadinya, naa I guess so jgn percaya sgt, sbb tetiba je demam in the middle of I'm getting better from all of this, so I rasa sbb tu lah 😂 Bila rasa my mood didnt seem okay je, terus I uninstall my twitter and all thise socs accounts so that I didnt post any of my negative thoughts in the socs med. Dlm seminggu ni, actually boleh kata hari2 I uninstall twitter and install it back when I am okay, thats why I succeed to post happy things je. It takes a lot of things to do, but oyeah, its really worth it. Seronok tau tgk twitter kita takde sad tweet actually ☺️ Sebenarnya kan, bukan tak nak cerita pasal masalah kita dkt org. Sometimes we just didnt find the suitable words to describe our thought. Sometimes, to write them was the only way. I dont know, I still figuring out how to share this kind of thought with people around me. Hihi lets give me some time to figure this out okay? ☺️ Buat slow slow, I scared that if I buat everything in this mean time, I'll get fatigue and suffocated again, so yeahh kita buat apa yg termampu dulu 😊 Well some of you must wondering what I am doing rn to find myself back. Well, I reread all the old conversations of me with those people who close to me. I reread my post in this blog and I reread all the happy tweet I post before. Byk benda I buat actually nak cari balik diri sendiri 😂 And yeah, during my time when I've negative thoughts but I need to supress it, I'll immediately uninstall my twitter and terus sibukkan diri. kadang2 saya study topics yg saya skipped (sbb tak larat sgt pergi kelas waktu demam haritu), kdg2 involved in programme (but for this time being, I prefer to be left alone in the house, and get some rest from hectic life for awhile, nanti I dah betul2 okay, I start menyumbang balik okay 😇), most of the time layan kdrama (now tgh tgk signal! Mindblowing betul cerita tu. And oh yeah park bo young ade cerita baru 😍 You gais should watch PBY in oh my ghost, GOD DIA ADORABLE SGTTT OKAY!), and for those yg baca my previous post, I ada niat nak baca certain2 kitab kan ☺️ Now I'm work on it, baru mulakan maza yakni, hadis and tafsir fi zilal. Gilir2 baca ikut mood. Hihi doakanlah boleh khatamkan and diberi kefahaman dan ilmu yang bermanfaat ya 😁 And lastly yeah sometimes I'm just scrolling the twitter, stalking some people and yeah end my day with sleep w/o any worries or cries anymore. Well nightmares still selalu je dpt, but yeah I'll ignore everything that makes my life miserable before 😊 Eventho I dah bukak my socs med, I still in an uzlah phase rn. I still didnt wanna meet people now, and didnt want to involve in anything for awhile. I just want to be at home, doing stuff that makes me feel at ease. I still in recovery phase and I know my emotion is still in fragile state. To say that I am completely recovered, it just too soon enough, but lets hope this kind of emotion will lasts till forever okay! 😍 For those who always there for me, thank you. You know, I'll always pray that may Allah rewards all of you w/ jannatul firdausi because you didnt let this girl, into such destruction of herself 💖 Alhamdulillah, oyeah! Thanks Allah for this wonderful feeling. Dah lama tak rasa happy macam ni 😇 Till then gais! Cheer up. Things will be a lot more better if you gais feels that everything have hikmah on it 😉😘

20170222

Azam 

"Imam Hassan al-Banna menggariskan 10 rukun baiah, 3 daripadanya adalah faham, amal dan ikhlas. Kita perlu faham dulu sesuatu ilmu, barulah kita boleh beramal dgn ikhlas"  Actually dah lama aku berazam benda ni, tulis dkt sini so that setiap kali aku bukak aku ingat dan aku try utk capaikan, sbb aku seorg yg sgt pelupa 😂   So azam aku ialah, habiskan beberapa kitab before kahwin (or kalau tak habis lps kahwin pun boleh habiskan- the point is saya nak tambah ilmu agama saya 🙏). I maybe have a year and more or maybe less so harap2 before melangkah ke alam rumah tangga itu, ilmu agama di dada mestilah kena tingkatkan. Tak byk pun, atleast kena ada. Barulah alam itu ada sakinah mawaddah wa rahmah gitu 🙈 So bila dah search apa aku perlu baca, I need to finish buku2 yg asas ni dulu, hopefully sempat habiskan sbb aku jenis lmbt membaca, tapi kalau lmbt pun still boleh dgr ceramah dkt youtube hihi.  So this will be the books that I want to finish: 1. Tafsir fi zilal (Dah settle beberapa surah, tapi bykkkkkk lagi surah tak settle 😭) 2. Syarah hadis 40 3. Maza yakni bahagian 1 dan 2 4. Risalah taalim 5. Raheeq makhtum 6. Syamail muhammadiyah 7. Kitab fiqh; ibadah, wanita, perubatan (kena search lagi kitab apa yg basic) Ok cukup lah tuuu, takut tak tercapai pulak, tak tahu mampu ke takkk, tapi doakan saya. Harapnya bolehlah baca yg mana yg mampu tuu. Anyone yg jumpa kitab2 ni dkt memana let me know yaa, or boleh tlg belikan nanti saya bayar, or kalau nak hadiahkan pun ok jugak 😂😜 Saya baca melalui ibook je but asalkan ada pun dah okiesss 💖 Okayyy till then! 

20170205

I hope

I hope you know, how much I want us to be as before. I miss you, I didn't know how to tell you, how much I need you rn. I don't show my sadness to anyone as much as before, I'm trying to show how happy I am to everyone, and I am really happy. But, to be happy like this, its take a lot of energy, because I need to suppress my negative emotion as well as I could. I am happy, but I broke inside, because I need you. To be happy and at the same time didnt have a good term with you, its somehow meaningless. I want to tell you how much I miss my mom and dad right now. I want to tell you that I can't even focus to study right now. I hope you know, that I really need your support, your jokes, your sweet talk, your positive vibes. I really need you. Right now.