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20170413

I am scared.

I am scared.
I am really scared..


.. w/ myself.



I think its become severe day by day; my symptoms.



What should I do? Its tiring, so tiring.



I am scared,



I am scared with my own expectation, with my useless frustration, with my dangerous thought,



I am scared.



I am scared I turned into a person I shouldnt be. I am so scared.



Its getting severe. My symptoms.
I can't even focus a minute in my class. I don't even attend any programme like always. I can count how many time I turn on the light in my room in a month. I was having relapse of episode in the class, I CRIED in the class, asking to go home desperately. I couldnt even do any daily basis properly. I couldnt get any better sleep in the night because of my nightmares, or my sad dream. And thats why I have to sleep in the morning, my night is so sleepless.



I thought I am getting better, but I know that I am in a state of denial.



I'm trying, I distance myself from people for a moment, I tried not to put expectation in people, I tried so hardly that I countless time uninstall my social media, including whatsapp. Sometimes it works for me, but most of the time its not. I become more frustrated w/ myself.



What should I do with myself?



This depression is killing me slowly. I turn into people I didnt want to be, I'm scared w/ myself.




I am scared I losing people that love. I am scared they would be tired w/ me, cause I'm already tired w/ myself.




It must be good if I can rest for a moment, treating my condition first, rather struggling here alone, far away from people that can support me. I am all alone here, I couldnt even share this w/ anybody here. Even w/ my family, I couldnt share with them also, but having them, the people I love by my side, nust really be so helpful to me, right now.



I'm scared,



of myself.



I am so scared, and I wrote this w/ so much tears, in my eyes.



Is there any hope for me to get better?



I am scared. With myself.



I am desperately asking for help, help me.. 💔




P/s:
I hope, people will understand, why I love to express my emotion more like this; by writing in the blog or twitter, rather that personally talk to them. Its sometimes hard to tell what we are feeling, and I tend to suppress what in my mind when I talk to some people, because I want to show them that I am getting better, I want to show them the good shape of mine. Sharing this like this, is just a therapy for myself so that I won't let them lingering in my mind for a long time. I want you to know, not sharing w/ you personally about this, didnt mean you're not important to me. In fact, because you're important to me, I'm sharing w/ you this way, because I didn't want to get frustrated with you (when its not even your fault) when you can't give me a right words when you want to comfort me; likes how people who experience things like me comforts me; but still, I want you to know, so I write things here. Its not because you're not comforting me, don't misunderstanding me, you did great, and I feel good when you're by my side, but people like me, need more motivation from more people; especially from people who are experiencing this. So, if I am not sharing w/ you personally, but sharing in here instead, just imagined that I want to share with you personally.



Because, whenever I write something, you are always in my mind, thinking that you'll listened to me 😊
And you know, not many people read my blog anymore, just some people who care enough would read this, so its not I'm sharing w/ everyone, I just share with people who want to know about my condition.



Its not your fault, don't blamed yourself, thats all I asked. You're there by my side all this time, is already so precious to me. Your supporting words everytime I break down means a lot to me. I hope you know that.

P/ss: Disclaimer is so long because I afraid that I'll makes people sad w/ me even more. I am sorry for being like this.
One day when I get recovered completely, I could read back all of this, all of my struggles, and realised, how strong had I been. InshaaAllah, a very one fine day :)