Beating myself.

" Tawakal; let your heart trust Allah alone, to take care of the things you cannot understand"

Assalamualaikum everyone and hai.

Triggered warning to anyone who have mental illness.

This post, is maybe not suitable for you to read it.

Mak. I didn't have anyone to vent to.

I couldn't even call you, telling you that I am sick again.

Because I didn't want to worry you and dad.

I didn't even can shed my tears in front of you.

Even if I want to..

Mak..

I wish I can go home,

and hug you and dad.

I really need someone here for me right now.

Mak.. I am so sad with myself.

Why am I like this mak..

Why did,

He gave me this kind of struggle, mak?

I really not a strong one.

They said He will tests us as the things that we can handle..

but mak..

I always lose to my thoughts.

I always making stupid decision and mistakes,

because of it.

I really not,

a strong one.

So why He chose me mak?

Mak, I miss the old me. 

The old happy me. 

The one who didn't care about anything.

The one who will always enjoying her life.

Mak.. I miss myself.. badly

Asyraf must be really miss her too.

Mak..

It is so painful, this illness.

I didn't expect it will be this worst.

I didn't expect, it will be this pain.

But mak..

perit

sangat.

Mak, I didn't know what I should do w/ myself.

Part of me wanted to give up so badly,

but part of me, always ask me to fight w/it.

Tapi mak..

adik tak kuat..

sangat..

Mak..

I really hate myself mak.

Why did,

I becoming so weak.

I couldn't even think straight...

Mak.. will everything will be okay, mak?

Mak..

I want to be the old happy me.

Asyraf will really like it if I can do so..

but mak, is it possible to me?

Am I going to be okay, mak?

Mak..

I want to kill my mind so badly.

It makes me so dumb..

and pathetic.

Mak.. I really miss the old me right now.

I really miss the old happy Aina.

Mak..

can I just cry today?

And be strong back tomorrow.

I just..

so frustrated..

with myself..

Because I know..

the old Aina wouldn't make the wrong decision and stupid mistake.

Because I know,

she will always do the right thing.

Because I know, who am I

And me now,

is not a real me.

Go away depression,

I kindly, beg you.

Mak... can you come into my dream and hug me?

Abah... can you come into my dream and tell me some jokes?

Kakak... can you come into my dream and show me how Aqil dance?

Abang... can you come into my dream and show me Firaz and Zymam smile?

Asyraf... can you come into my dream, and tell me that everything is going to be okay?

Can everyone come into my dream tonight and calm me down?

Because the thought that I shouldn't be here, in this world, because I will only makes problem, is so strong, right now.

Dear God, please..

please..

relief my painful.

I beg You...


Mak..

I think, I couldn't survive this.

(But you know, how many times I told you that I couldn't survive,
but then I survived
because that's the only part of Aina that always still be in me,
the one who never give up,
no matter how hard, the thing is)