Something to ponder and I wish I can say it.

Disclaimer: This should be post on 27/10. Yes it supposed to be a month ago, but you know, I always wrote something, I wrote many posts actually, but sometimes I kept it in the draft, until I've guts to post about it.

"We spend so much of our lives not saying the things we want to say. The things we should say"*


Assalamualaikum everyone!

 How are you all doing?

 Its been awhile since my last post in my blog aite?

Well, there were a lot of things happened during those time.

 The sweet and bitter ones. The most memorable and painful one. 

Its already come to the end of October 2016. How time really flies.

 Rasanya baru semalam ambil SPM dan tak perlu fikir macam-macam pasal how to survive in this life. 

Rasanya baru semalam pergi PALAM and enjoying my student life. 

Rasanya baru semalam tengah berbelah bahagi lagi nak sambung dekat Egypt atau tidak, 

but here I am now, already a 4th year medical student of Alexandria University. 

All grateful and gratitude, to Allah, the Most Merciful One.

Four years I've been here, there are a lot of things I've learnt. A lot of things makes me ponder.

On March of 2016, I've been diagnosed to have a depression. 

Not a serious one, but still, it affect my whole life after that.

How I am thinking, how I am feeling, how I am struggling.

Everything.

And its the most painful moments for me, I guess.

There were many times, no, there were countless time I was broke down, stumble at the middle of the journey, wanting to give up, crying all alone here, making some stupid decision, hurting all people around me.

But, then.

I was survived.

I still survive.

And I will survive in the future.

I need to and I will.

Tak minta jadi macam ni. Penat sangat tahu.

 When I was in that state. I tend to hurt people around me, and hurting them was actually hurting me too.

They are all the people I dear the most. The people who never gave up on me, no matter how hard it is to handle me.

I am, truly grateful to have those people who never gave up on me.

 I know, I know well they were tired.

 I know, I know well they continuously asking questions 'when this girl is going to be okay?'

I know, I know well they were trying to be as patience as they could.

I know very well all of this. I am sorry to put my dearest people in a hard situation.

I am trying hard to get better, so please, never give up on me.

I seriously missing the old me :(

The one who didn't feel anxious of anything.

The one that trusting people whole-heartedly, without being doubtful.

The one that people easily can talk their problem, makes some fun with me, didn't need to take care of my feeling.

Doakan, doakan saya utk jadi seperti dulu.

To care for something that I shouldn't, it's tiring.

To give attention for a small matter, it's tiring, too.

People have their own life, and I should't control them.

I was a loser to ask people to do things that comfort me.

For that, I am truly sorry.

It have been five months.

The longest five months of my entire life..

-------


*The things that I want to say to you,
the things that I should say to you,
some of that are

I am truly sorry for being like this immature and sick.
I am truly thankful for your patience all these time.

and I hope you know that..
I really likes you.
I really want you.
I really adore you.
I really miss you.
I really care about you.

and
I really love you.

How I wish you know that.

Kebergantungan

Assalamualaikum semua.

I want to share with you this one story.

I found it so interesting. Well at least for me.

I had a meeting just now. A very long one tho. 

After my class ended at noon, I went for a lunch and immediately attended the meeting. 

And yes at 10pm I just came back.

So happy to see my lovely bedroom again after a very long tiring day!

While waiting for people to come, there were a lots of caring people asked me if I'am doing fine or not. How the PSD progression? They told me to ask them for help if I need one.

I were so grateful to have these kind of people. That always support each other in doing good deeds for society.

There was one girl, came to me and we had a short talk.

"Na, okay tak? Are you keep your health healthy? How are you doing? How's the PSD progression? Kenapa muka nampak risau sangat?" She asked.

"Hm entahlah kak. Futur deh. Duit program tak cukup banyak nih. Tak tahu dah nak cari mana. Dah cut macam-II bajet but yet still tak cukup. And PSD 3 hari lagi kak" I replied. Feeling want to cry at that time, seriously.

"Hm berapa tu yang tak cukup?" Dia tanya balik.

"Adalah kak." Segan nak bagitahu masalah program sendiri sebenarnya.

"Na, apa tujuan na jadi Timbalan Pengarah PSD?" She asked. Calmly.

"To help people. Untuk lancarkan gerak kerja kak. Siapa lagi nak terima taqdiman jawatan kalau bukan kita yang faham ni kak?" I said. Trying hard to apply what I learnt, from Islam; 'Sebaik-baik manusia adalah manusia yang bermanfaat kepada orang lain'

"Jadi. Apa tujuan PSD nih diadakan agak-II awak?" Dia tanya balik. 

"Utk ajak org bersukan cara Islam, kak. Tutup aurat, ikhwah akhawat diasingkan tempat sukan. Nak kata Islam tu syumul kak" Jawab aku, tersekat-sekat. Tahu, akak sedang menguji tahap kefahaman aku.

"Jadi wak. Bila tujuannya utk Islam, awak takkan tak percaya Allah akan tolong awak? Takkan Allah nak biar pulak gerak kerja awak stagnant, padahal niat awak mmg terang-II utk Islam. Refleks balik tahap kebergantungan awak kat Allah. Jangan risau sangat. Everything eventually will be fine." She calmed me down.

Sentap.

Tiba-tiba insaf sendiri.

Dimana tahap kebergantungan aku dekat Dia.

I asked myself.

Then we focused to our meeting.

The meeting ended well, and someone gave me something.

"Nah, hope this will help you a lil. Be tough! PSD wil be great, don't worry. We all will pray hard for you and the AJKP!"

I went home, and looked up the things that I've received.

Guess what, there were a lot of money in there. And I counted.

LE 807!

'Ya Allah, how come people are so kind-hearted to give this much of money.'

That was exactly the amount we needed T.T (Plus lebih LE 7 lagi)

And when I read my whatsapp, there was one of my AJKP texted this things;

"Alhamdulillah, sumbangan peribadi yang saya peroleh harini is LE 700"

And I just like, wow thats make the total up LE 1500+

And thats when I realized, pertolongan Allah tu mmg datang dari arah yang tak disangka.

Nikmat apa lagilah yang kita dustakan y.y

Tanpa Dia mmg kami tak mampu. Allah jugalah yang memampukan dan menguatkan kita.

Kuatkan kebergantungan kita pada-Nya. The good things will always happens soon, esp if you do something for Islam :)

Doakan PSD 4hb ini berjalan dengan lancar.

Doakan Allah permudahkan segala urusan kami.

Doakan Allah beri aku kekuatan fizikal dan mental.

Doakan dan doakan.

Alhamdulillah a'la kulli ni'mah, a'la kulli hal. Allah hadirkan sahabat-II yang pemurah untuk menyumbang disaat kamii memerlukan.

Syukran awi kepada insan-insan yang menyumbang. Moga Allah kira pengorbanan kalian :)

Hidup ini, perlu ada kefahaman, perlu ada keikhlasan, perlu untuk beramal, perlu untuk berjihad, perlu untuk berkorban, perlu taat akan pimpinan, perlu tetapkan pendirian, perlu bertajarrud, perlu berukhwah dan perlu tsiqah terhadap pmpinan dan sahabat-sahabat kita.

Sebagaimana Imam Hasan gariskan dalam kitabnya Risalah Taalim <3 p="">

Nusrah Allah.

"Allah uji sebab sayang"

Alhamdulillah, segala puji bagi Dia, yang Maha Pemurah, lagi Maha Pengasih. Alhamdulillah, atas dua nikmat terbesar yang masih lagi Allah kurniakan kepada kita, nikmat iman dan islam.

Ingat lagi masa bulan Januari, bulan yang mana exam end of module berlangsung. Bulan yang mana aku sangat sibuk sampai tak sempat balik rumah. Yang kadang-II sampai tak sempat nak buka buku. Yang kadang-II aku rasa futur sangat dgn study dan gerak kerja aku.

Aku ingat lagi gap antara EOM Urinary dan EOM Endocrine, yang ketika mana aku dilanda depression yang sangat dasyat, yang ketika mana aku tak dapat nak focus langsung belajar Endo, study mmg kelaut.

Aku ingat lagi, kesibukkan menguruskan Winter Camp, di antara gap Endocrine dan Reproductive, sampaikan aku rasa aku skip banyak subjek untuk dibaca.

Aku ingat lagi ketika mana sesi pembelajaran ketiga-tiga module ini, yang mana aku kerap tak hadir ke kelas, atas faktor kesihatan yang tak mengizinkan.

Aku ingat lagi, macam mana aku tinggalkan soalan-II tak berjawab ketika mana aku menjawab peperiksaan. 

Dan aku ingat lagi, betapa kebergantungan aku dekat Allah sangat tinggi masa tu. 

Tapi, Alhamdulillah, dengan duit yg mengalir, dgn masa yang dikorbankan, yang bukan utk diri sendiri, nusrah Allah akan hadir, bersama-sama kita.

Jujur aku cakap, aku mmg tak boleh jawab exam haritu. Tapi, alhamdulillah, pertolongan Allah itu sentiasa ada. 

Satu aku pesan, jagalah amal fardhi dan amalan-II sunat kita.

Al-Waqiah dan Dhuha di pagi hari, Al-Mathurat di petang hari, Al-Mulk dan Witir di malam hari, dan qiamulail jika mampu. 

Al-Quran jangan tinggal. At least ada surah yang kau akan baca daily.

Macam aku, aku cuba amalkan;

Isnin: As-Sajadah

Selasa: Luqman

Rabu: Ar-Rahman

Khamis: Yasin

Jumaat: Al-Kahfi

Sabtu: Nuh

Ahad: Al-Qalam

Dan before pergi exam, atau apa2 sahaja perkara besar dlm hidup kau, amalkan baca surah al-Fath. Moga ia dpt membuka jalan kita kearah kemenangan :)

Jujur aku pesan, jaga amal fardhi kita, sebab aku baru diuji, dgn tinggalnya amalan yang kita biasa lakukan, kau takkan kuat nak buat apa-II. Mmg sifat malas 24 jam sehari ada dlm diri kita. Sbb apa? Sbb Allah yg memampukan kita. 

Alhamdulillah, Allah tarik aku kembali, dari sifat futur yang sangatlah teruk ketika mana aku sedang bercuti.

Just know that

"A soul mate will walk with through the brights and dims"

Assalamualaikum WBT

Hai semua! Happy new year (walaupun dah lambat 8 hari) Macam biasa, sebab aku nak exam aku menulislah kat sini haha. Kalini bukan sebab stress (ye stress gak sbb tak habis study lagi nih, tapi kalini aku tak tulis sbb aku stress)

Actually aku dah masuk 21 tahun dah (eh I mean lagi 6 bulan lah kan), but still aku ni masih berperangai kebudak-budakan. Akak-II nak taqdim aku sbg timbalan pengarah program pun fikir banyak kali dan last-II disinilah aku, menjadi kuli membantu mensmoothkan gerak kerja setiap program. But yet, still aku happy dpt jd kuli, cause thats what I love, bila lagi nak bg manfaat dkt org lain kan? Btw haritu aku tak dapat nak jd OB, hehe tipulah kalau aku kata aku tak sedih sbb sebenarnya dari 1st year lagi aku nak masuk OB, tapi takpe Allah tahu apa yg terbaik dkt aku. Dia tahu aku ni selalu sakit, dan Dia tahu aku ni tak pernah tolak taklifan jadi AJK apa-II, jadi Dia tahu kemampuan aku dgn keadaan kesihatan aku. Bersangka baik dgn Allah, Dia mengikut sangkaan hambaNya. Ramai tanya kenapa aku tak pernah tolak taklifan, dengan keadaan aku yang selalu sakit dan taklifan aku kadang2 sangat banyak, sampai boleh tindih banyak kerja dalam satu masa, study pun kadang2 tak boleh nak stabil. 

Ini jawapan aku, pendapat peribadi aku. Aku tahu, tujuan parents aku hantar aku ke sini utk study. Tapi aku kena tahu jugak, tujuan Allah cipta aku utk bg manfaat kpd org lain. Kalau aku tak pandai balancekan waktu bljr, itu salah aku, bukan salah taklifan yg aku terima. Aku masih kurang bab mengatur masa dan aku sedang perbaiki. Dgn terima taklifan, aku sedang perbaiki diri, dan aku sedang sibukkan diri, dan aku sedang  mentarbiyah diri. Dan yang paling penting, bila aku fikir balik kita ni hidup tak lama, jadi aku taktahu apa bekalan yg aku bawak nanti. Jadi aku harap dgn menerima taklifan ni dpt menjadi saham akhirat aku disana. Dan walau byk mana taklifan aku terima, aku pun tak pasti gerak kerja mana yg Allah terima. Jadi kenapa tidak, selagi aku mampu, aku cuba menerima taklifan. 

(Sebenarnya dah lari topik)

Lately ni aku selalu bincang serious matter with this one important person to me :) Bila aku fikir balik, betullah aku ni tak matang perangai je, tapi fikiran aku dah matang (sikit) sebab dah boleh fikir benda2 macam ni. Aku tahu perkara ni berat, berat utk dia dan berat jugak utk aku. Tapi aku nak dia tahu, aku ketengahkan topik ni sbb aku yakin dgn keputusan aku. Dan aku doakan yang terbaik utk kami berdua.

Just know that, I'll be at your side susah senang.

Just know that, I'll be at your side jatuh bangun.

Just know that, I'll be at your side gagal berjaya.

Tapi yes, cakap mmg senang. Kita tak tahu boleh realisasi ke tak kan? I mean betul ke aku akan sentiasa ada walaupun waktu dia susah, jatuh, gagal. Subjective sangat these matter. Tapi ingat balik, dah berapa kali dia jatuh dan aku masih disisi, dan dah berapa kali jugak aku gagal dan dia masih menyokong. 

We had experience all of these and I know it'll get harder. Just know that, we'll try to survive, and one day kita akan sama2 berjaya 😊

I'm sorry, for burdened you with these kind of matter, planning and so on, just take it easy, I won't push you when we both are not ready yet, inshaaAllah if the times come, everything will eventually happens.

Be happy, and enjoy your life, dont stressed out and strive towards glory. You are doing great, just the way you are :)