Something to ponder and I wish I can say it.

Disclaimer: This should be post on 27/10. Yes it supposed to be a month ago, but you know, I always wrote something, I wrote many posts actually, but sometimes I kept it in the draft, until I've guts to post about it.

"We spend so much of our lives not saying the things we want to say. The things we should say"*


Assalamualaikum everyone!

 How are you all doing?

 Its been awhile since my last post in my blog aite?

Well, there were a lot of things happened during those time.

 The sweet and bitter ones. The most memorable and painful one. 

Its already come to the end of October 2016. How time really flies.

 Rasanya baru semalam ambil SPM dan tak perlu fikir macam-macam pasal how to survive in this life. 

Rasanya baru semalam pergi PALAM and enjoying my student life. 

Rasanya baru semalam tengah berbelah bahagi lagi nak sambung dekat Egypt atau tidak, 

but here I am now, already a 4th year medical student of Alexandria University. 

All grateful and gratitude, to Allah, the Most Merciful One.

Four years I've been here, there are a lot of things I've learnt. A lot of things makes me ponder.

On March of 2016, I've been diagnosed to have a depression. 

Not a serious one, but still, it affect my whole life after that.

How I am thinking, how I am feeling, how I am struggling.

Everything.

And its the most painful moments for me, I guess.

There were many times, no, there were countless time I was broke down, stumble at the middle of the journey, wanting to give up, crying all alone here, making some stupid decision, hurting all people around me.

But, then.

I was survived.

I still survive.

And I will survive in the future.

I need to and I will.

Tak minta jadi macam ni. Penat sangat tahu.

 When I was in that state. I tend to hurt people around me, and hurting them was actually hurting me too.

They are all the people I dear the most. The people who never gave up on me, no matter how hard it is to handle me.

I am, truly grateful to have those people who never gave up on me.

 I know, I know well they were tired.

 I know, I know well they continuously asking questions 'when this girl is going to be okay?'

I know, I know well they were trying to be as patience as they could.

I know very well all of this. I am sorry to put my dearest people in a hard situation.

I am trying hard to get better, so please, never give up on me.

I seriously missing the old me :(

The one who didn't feel anxious of anything.

The one that trusting people whole-heartedly, without being doubtful.

The one that people easily can talk their problem, makes some fun with me, didn't need to take care of my feeling.

Doakan, doakan saya utk jadi seperti dulu.

To care for something that I shouldn't, it's tiring.

To give attention for a small matter, it's tiring, too.

People have their own life, and I should't control them.

I was a loser to ask people to do things that comfort me.

For that, I am truly sorry.

It have been five months.

The longest five months of my entire life..

-------


*The things that I want to say to you,
the things that I should say to you,
some of that are

I am truly sorry for being like this immature and sick.
I am truly thankful for your patience all these time.

and I hope you know that..
I really likes you.
I really want you.
I really adore you.
I really miss you.
I really care about you.

and
I really love you.

How I wish you know that.