Something to ponder and I wish I can say it.

Disclaimer: This should be post on 27/10. Yes it supposed to be a month ago, but you know, I always wrote something, I wrote many posts actually, but sometimes I kept it in the draft, until I've guts to post about it.

"We spend so much of our lives not saying the things we want to say. The things we should say"*


Assalamualaikum everyone!

 How are you all doing?

 Its been awhile since my last post in my blog aite?

Well, there were a lot of things happened during those time.

 The sweet and bitter ones. The most memorable and painful one. 

Its already come to the end of October 2016. How time really flies.

 Rasanya baru semalam ambil SPM dan tak perlu fikir macam-macam pasal how to survive in this life. 

Rasanya baru semalam pergi PALAM and enjoying my student life. 

Rasanya baru semalam tengah berbelah bahagi lagi nak sambung dekat Egypt atau tidak, 

but here I am now, already a 4th year medical student of Alexandria University. 

All grateful and gratitude, to Allah, the Most Merciful One.

Four years I've been here, there are a lot of things I've learnt. A lot of things makes me ponder.

On March of 2016, I've been diagnosed to have a depression. 

Not a serious one, but still, it affect my whole life after that.

How I am thinking, how I am feeling, how I am struggling.

Everything.

And its the most painful moments for me, I guess.

There were many times, no, there were countless time I was broke down, stumble at the middle of the journey, wanting to give up, crying all alone here, making some stupid decision, hurting all people around me.

But, then.

I was survived.

I still survive.

And I will survive in the future.

I need to and I will.

Tak minta jadi macam ni. Penat sangat tahu.

 When I was in that state. I tend to hurt people around me, and hurting them was actually hurting me too.

They are all the people I dear the most. The people who never gave up on me, no matter how hard it is to handle me.

I am, truly grateful to have those people who never gave up on me.

 I know, I know well they were tired.

 I know, I know well they continuously asking questions 'when this girl is going to be okay?'

I know, I know well they were trying to be as patience as they could.

I know very well all of this. I am sorry to put my dearest people in a hard situation.

I am trying hard to get better, so please, never give up on me.

I seriously missing the old me :(

The one who didn't feel anxious of anything.

The one that trusting people whole-heartedly, without being doubtful.

The one that people easily can talk their problem, makes some fun with me, didn't need to take care of my feeling.

Doakan, doakan saya utk jadi seperti dulu.

To care for something that I shouldn't, it's tiring.

To give attention for a small matter, it's tiring, too.

People have their own life, and I should't control them.

I was a loser to ask people to do things that comfort me.

For that, I am truly sorry.

It have been five months.

The longest five months of my entire life..

-------


*The things that I want to say to you,
the things that I should say to you,
some of that are

I am truly sorry for being like this immature and sick.
I am truly thankful for your patience all these time.

and I hope you know that..
I really likes you.
I really want you.
I really adore you.
I really miss you.
I really care about you.

and
I really love you.

How I wish you know that.

Kebergantungan

Assalamualaikum semua.

I want to share with you this one story.

I found it so interesting. Well at least for me.

I had a meeting just now. A very long one tho. 

After my class ended at noon, I went for a lunch and immediately attended the meeting. 

And yes at 10pm I just came back.

So happy to see my lovely bedroom again after a very long tiring day!

While waiting for people to come, there were a lots of caring people asked me if I'am doing fine or not. How the PSD progression? They told me to ask them for help if I need one.

I were so grateful to have these kind of people. That always support each other in doing good deeds for society.

There was one girl, came to me and we had a short talk.

"Na, okay tak? Are you keep your health healthy? How are you doing? How's the PSD progression? Kenapa muka nampak risau sangat?" She asked.

"Hm entahlah kak. Futur deh. Duit program tak cukup banyak nih. Tak tahu dah nak cari mana. Dah cut macam-II bajet but yet still tak cukup. And PSD 3 hari lagi kak" I replied. Feeling want to cry at that time, seriously.

"Hm berapa tu yang tak cukup?" Dia tanya balik.

"Adalah kak." Segan nak bagitahu masalah program sendiri sebenarnya.

"Na, apa tujuan na jadi Timbalan Pengarah PSD?" She asked. Calmly.

"To help people. Untuk lancarkan gerak kerja kak. Siapa lagi nak terima taqdiman jawatan kalau bukan kita yang faham ni kak?" I said. Trying hard to apply what I learnt, from Islam; 'Sebaik-baik manusia adalah manusia yang bermanfaat kepada orang lain'

"Jadi. Apa tujuan PSD nih diadakan agak-II awak?" Dia tanya balik. 

"Utk ajak org bersukan cara Islam, kak. Tutup aurat, ikhwah akhawat diasingkan tempat sukan. Nak kata Islam tu syumul kak" Jawab aku, tersekat-sekat. Tahu, akak sedang menguji tahap kefahaman aku.

"Jadi wak. Bila tujuannya utk Islam, awak takkan tak percaya Allah akan tolong awak? Takkan Allah nak biar pulak gerak kerja awak stagnant, padahal niat awak mmg terang-II utk Islam. Refleks balik tahap kebergantungan awak kat Allah. Jangan risau sangat. Everything eventually will be fine." She calmed me down.

Sentap.

Tiba-tiba insaf sendiri.

Dimana tahap kebergantungan aku dekat Dia.

I asked myself.

Then we focused to our meeting.

The meeting ended well, and someone gave me something.

"Nah, hope this will help you a lil. Be tough! PSD wil be great, don't worry. We all will pray hard for you and the AJKP!"

I went home, and looked up the things that I've received.

Guess what, there were a lot of money in there. And I counted.

LE 807!

'Ya Allah, how come people are so kind-hearted to give this much of money.'

That was exactly the amount we needed T.T (Plus lebih LE 7 lagi)

And when I read my whatsapp, there was one of my AJKP texted this things;

"Alhamdulillah, sumbangan peribadi yang saya peroleh harini is LE 700"

And I just like, wow thats make the total up LE 1500+

And thats when I realized, pertolongan Allah tu mmg datang dari arah yang tak disangka.

Nikmat apa lagilah yang kita dustakan y.y

Tanpa Dia mmg kami tak mampu. Allah jugalah yang memampukan dan menguatkan kita.

Kuatkan kebergantungan kita pada-Nya. The good things will always happens soon, esp if you do something for Islam :)

Doakan PSD 4hb ini berjalan dengan lancar.

Doakan Allah permudahkan segala urusan kami.

Doakan Allah beri aku kekuatan fizikal dan mental.

Doakan dan doakan.

Alhamdulillah a'la kulli ni'mah, a'la kulli hal. Allah hadirkan sahabat-II yang pemurah untuk menyumbang disaat kamii memerlukan.

Syukran awi kepada insan-insan yang menyumbang. Moga Allah kira pengorbanan kalian :)

Hidup ini, perlu ada kefahaman, perlu ada keikhlasan, perlu untuk beramal, perlu untuk berjihad, perlu untuk berkorban, perlu taat akan pimpinan, perlu tetapkan pendirian, perlu bertajarrud, perlu berukhwah dan perlu tsiqah terhadap pmpinan dan sahabat-sahabat kita.

Sebagaimana Imam Hasan gariskan dalam kitabnya Risalah Taalim <3 p="">