Stop the what if

"Tough time won't last, tough people do"

Assalamualaikum everyone ☺️

Its 31st of December 2016, the last day of 2016! How time flies kannn? I hope I can be a better me in 2017, and bringing the happiness together, and leave the past pain behind.

For this last day of 2016, I decided to write something that I would like to leave it behind, from entering 2017. The things and thought that always messed up my mind. So that I hope, by writing this all, my mind will be at peace, and entering 2017 with a clear mind, and peaceful feeling.

Remember when we were in form 5, we have been taught that don't play with the what if questions. Its like, you are questioning The Almighty, The Most Merciful One. I admitted that, these past 21 years, 2016 is the year that I asked the what if questions the most. Yeah, I were that kind of ungrateful girl, I know.

What if, I didnt have any depression, will I be a lot more happier right now, or can I do a wise decision for myself? I keep asking myself those questions.

I hate myself for always making peoples' feeling hurts by my selfish decision. I blame myself for giving people hard, and painful time. Thats who I am, the person who always put the blame on myself eventho sometimes I know I did a right things. Thats who I am, for being an apologetic person, that always asked for forgiveness from others, when there is nothing wrong that I do. Thats the natural for who I am. Basically right now, when I still have this kind of illness.

Ika always said to me this, you did nothing wrong. Don't blame yourself, you are doing the right things. But Ika, did I really do a right things, when I, the one, the main reason why they get sad and hurt, because of my selfish decision? Am I really doing a right things? Or did I not? This questions always play in my mind.

Sometimes, I keep asking this, what if I did a wiser decision than the decision I've made. What if, I didnt aggressively protecting whats mine? I thought that I would be happy doing that, but I am actually not, because when I hurts people feeling, the person who actually hurts the most is me. Because I, will get hurts back when I see those people cry, because of my decision. Because I am a girl, and hurting their heart, um what can I say, its like I can feel their feeling too. I think to know their feelings, felt them, is a punishment for me, for making their heart hurts. People didnt know how much burdened that I've carry, because of my condition is not well, all of this small things is a big matters to me. I keep thinking everything is my fault. I kept asking myself and regret for what I've done. Did I overprotective whats mine? I hope I can changed the decision I've made, and letting them to enjoy their moments together. Because, I feel guilty, I blame myself, whenever I know that my dearest person wanted so much to go out, but.. they can't because of me. But.. what if I let them be, could I control my jealousy? I just.. don't know. I love to see everyone happy, but.. I really don't know how. I am truly sorry. For becoming this selfish kind of person. I sometimes forgot, others people have feelings too. For this matter, for all the selfish decision I've made, I truly am truly sorry.

I were really glad, that I were in a right state of mind at that time, the moment when I makes the decision that I'll never regret of, which is not to leave you behind. I just wondering, if I am not in a right state of mind, and give a wrong answer at that time, will you asked me to stay, or would I regret with the choices I'd makes. The answer will always be the same, in my heart, in the future, that I'll never left you. But if someday, I give you a different answer, know that at that time, I am not in the right state of mind, so don't leave me behind, without asking me to stay. The truth is, that day really makes me feel scared. And I keep remembering it till now. And keep asking what if I give a wrong answer at that time? What will happens? 😔 Harapnya in the future, keadaan mcmtu tak berulang lagi.

These things, keep haunted me for several months. I kept dreaming of them all over again and thats why, its makes me thought, that everything is my fault, that I am the one that should be blamed for, from the beginning.

I let this thought in here. So that I hope it wouldnt haunted me again. I am sorry, since I get this kind of illness, I keep thinking in different ways, I keep doubting people...

... but everyone should know, that is not what I want to think, I always trust people I dear the most, and  that I trying hardly to suppress my thought from negativity, to think only the positive one, that sometimes I would crying, because I failed.

At that sometimes, when I failed to suppress my thought , please forgive me, for not be able to be more tougher, than I should be.

I am sorry and forgive me. Everyone did nothing wrong. Is all me who need to be blame for, because I, the only one who need to fight with myself, with my negative thought, with my illness. I realized it now, that I shouldnt asked people to do things that makes me happy. The selfish me doing those decision, just brings pain to the people who want me to be happy. Thankyou 2016 for all the happiness, for all the hardship you've giving me. I think, I've become a tougher person than before rn. 2017, I'll try harder to improve myself, to be a better me, to stop blaming myself, for the things I shouldnt.

Goodbye 2016.

Cheer up Ayiz, leave the painful things behind, and takes the positivity with you. May 2017 brings a lot of happiness and love to all of us around the world 😊

Lets stop the what if 😇

-Not yet 22 💐